One more holiday season almost behind me. What a mad rush, what an expensive mad rush. What a crazy amount of time I spent cooking. What a crazy amount of time I spent cleaning [and cleaning...and re-cleaning...and cleaning again! My hands are cursing raw from the cleaning]. Yet, when all is said and done my children are happy, my blended family is happy, and it was a nice Christmas. Ok, [I have to do some complaining] in spite of having to move that creepy elf around every night, and then watch my son sadly say "good bye Jingle. I will miss you" on Christmas Eve, and in spite of the millions of lies I had to tell him about that stinking elf. And in spite of worrying that I didn't give enough, or I didn't buy enough for the kids, or that I didn't have enough time to wrap everything. And in spite of not being able to work out/run at all, and in spite of not eating well at all. And in spite of not following my dream to have everything done and being able to sit on the couch and watch Christmas movies. It was a nice holiday season [hahaha...] And for the first year my Christmas tree is flourishing with minimal needles falling and I don't want to fling it out of the closest door already [thank you Bennies Tree Farm].
Now we forge ahead into 2013. I LOVE changes. The thrill of the unknown if very exciting. Last year I made some plans for the 2012 year, not all happened but some did and for all that I accomplished I am grateful, and for all that I did not [curse it!] I will just try again this year. Which brings me to my point of New Year Resolutions. Do people still make resolutions? I actually don't hear about it often anymore. Or do people just keep it to themselves?
Following my tradition [ok, there is also something to be said for tradition and certainty] I resolve the following: 1. go to the doctor on a regular basis for check ups. 2. ask the doctor for help to quit my bad habits. 3. run another 1/2 marathon. 4. WRITE a book [this doesn't mean just a chapter. I promise you self, you can control your lack of attention]. 5. SAVE MONEY. 6. Well I don't think I will add a 6, maybe I will just stick with 5...that will keep it possible to complete.
For those of you who don't make a resolution maybe you should. It's not a bad idea to contemplate some things you would like to change and then try to change them. I mean didn't Michael Jackson even have a song about changes??? Something about starting with the man in the mirror [that one is for you Kelly]. However, if you try and don't succeed it's not the end of the world. I look at it like dieting. If you have a bad day and finish off the bag of chips or eat just three more cookies, or eat just one more piece of pizza [ok, that's me I am talking about] then you just start over the next hour/day/ minute. See how wonderful changes can be!
Now that I have motivated you to change some bad habits or complete a desired goal [or at least put the idea in your mind] think about the feeling of accomplishment. Then think about the reasons for not accomplishing it. It works doesn't it? The good out weighs the bad!
So, Happy New Year! Relish the possibilities of changes, and be excited to begin a new journey.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Good People?
I began this post a few weeks ago and never got to publish it. I wasn't going to put into words how sad and hurt I was over the shootings in Connecticut. Mostly because I can't even accurately describe my feelings...I deleted "sad and hurt" 3 times before deciding if those were the only words I could use. However, I could never describe my own feelings simply with words, yet I feel the need to express something, and so I tried my best.
During one of my evening runs I allowed my ipod songs to play through without skipping and shuffling through to my favorites. One song I forgot I downloaded was Jack Johnson Good People. This was the day of the tragic shootings in Connecticut. As a mental health provider in the school systems, as a mother, as a friend, as a person who loves children, as an aunt, as a human being this event made me sick, sad, horrified, helpless, hopeless, and just numb. I am sure I am not alone with these feelings as our nation was grieving over this. Since those events I have read and heard the debate about mental illness and gun control. I watched our president tearful on national television and stating we need to change. I have read and listened to people discuss " absence of God" and then I read FB postings about wanting the shooter to rot in "hell". I sat through speakers discussing what to do in the case of an emergency within the schools. I have pondered in my own mind what could I do to help the kids in the classrooms I am in if something like that were to happen. I have cried, I have cried, I have prayed, I have cried.
So, back to the song...the words rang in my ears, for anyone who hasn't listened to the song listen to it. Where have the good people gone? [my thoughts at first] and then as one last stitch effort to find the good within I began to watch the heroic instances of the teachers and first responders and parents involved. And then I prayed again. I prayed for all of them. And I prayed for myself and my family, I prayed I would be able to see some good in mankind and find a way to enter a classroom on Monday and not feel worried or at least appear worried. I prayed for help. And guess what? Once again GOD IS. I was out of town on Saturday when my oldest son called frantically upset that he lost his wallet. A wallet holding his social security card and his entire savings. He closed the account. I assured him we would take care of it. I admit I was upset [ ok, how the curse did he loose that wallet. How could he be so irresponsible? my internal thoughts]. And then a few hours later he called me back. This time I could hear the happiness, "mom the police called and a man walking his dog found my wallet and returned it to the police. I picked it up and everything is in it". Here it was, God is. My answer. The good people are right here. The good people are everywhere, however, we don't always see the good people. To me this man should have been on the news, praised for his honesty, praised for his kindness, praised for his moral sense of right and wrong. However, I don't even know who this man is. Making it even more important, he returned the wallet because it was the right thing to do. [Amen.]
My opinion on gun control, my opinion on mental illness, my opinion on the shooter, my opinion on school safety, my opinion on religion in schools...won't be stated here. What I can say is this, we all agree we need some kind of change. We all agree this change needs to be immediate. HOW??? is the question. I wish I knew the answer. If I did I would be a miracle worker instead of just a social worker...[lol] My way of making change is going to be in my home and with the people I encounter everyday. What if we all just start in our homes? Let's just start with working on showing our families how to do the right thing because it's the right thing. If we find money, return it. Hold a door open while walking into a store/restaurant/place of business for the person behind you, if someone drops something bend down and help pick it up, say "please" and "thank you", acknowledge good things others do even just by saying "good job" and "thank you".
Do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. I know it won't change the world and free us from all the terrible things in life but just maybe it will make a difference even on a small level. We all have the potential to be "good people" and sometimes we just might need a little help seeing it. Help everyone see it. Live up to your potential.
During one of my evening runs I allowed my ipod songs to play through without skipping and shuffling through to my favorites. One song I forgot I downloaded was Jack Johnson Good People. This was the day of the tragic shootings in Connecticut. As a mental health provider in the school systems, as a mother, as a friend, as a person who loves children, as an aunt, as a human being this event made me sick, sad, horrified, helpless, hopeless, and just numb. I am sure I am not alone with these feelings as our nation was grieving over this. Since those events I have read and heard the debate about mental illness and gun control. I watched our president tearful on national television and stating we need to change. I have read and listened to people discuss " absence of God" and then I read FB postings about wanting the shooter to rot in "hell". I sat through speakers discussing what to do in the case of an emergency within the schools. I have pondered in my own mind what could I do to help the kids in the classrooms I am in if something like that were to happen. I have cried, I have cried, I have prayed, I have cried.
So, back to the song...the words rang in my ears, for anyone who hasn't listened to the song listen to it. Where have the good people gone? [my thoughts at first] and then as one last stitch effort to find the good within I began to watch the heroic instances of the teachers and first responders and parents involved. And then I prayed again. I prayed for all of them. And I prayed for myself and my family, I prayed I would be able to see some good in mankind and find a way to enter a classroom on Monday and not feel worried or at least appear worried. I prayed for help. And guess what? Once again GOD IS. I was out of town on Saturday when my oldest son called frantically upset that he lost his wallet. A wallet holding his social security card and his entire savings. He closed the account. I assured him we would take care of it. I admit I was upset [ ok, how the curse did he loose that wallet. How could he be so irresponsible? my internal thoughts]. And then a few hours later he called me back. This time I could hear the happiness, "mom the police called and a man walking his dog found my wallet and returned it to the police. I picked it up and everything is in it". Here it was, God is. My answer. The good people are right here. The good people are everywhere, however, we don't always see the good people. To me this man should have been on the news, praised for his honesty, praised for his kindness, praised for his moral sense of right and wrong. However, I don't even know who this man is. Making it even more important, he returned the wallet because it was the right thing to do. [Amen.]
My opinion on gun control, my opinion on mental illness, my opinion on the shooter, my opinion on school safety, my opinion on religion in schools...won't be stated here. What I can say is this, we all agree we need some kind of change. We all agree this change needs to be immediate. HOW??? is the question. I wish I knew the answer. If I did I would be a miracle worker instead of just a social worker...[lol] My way of making change is going to be in my home and with the people I encounter everyday. What if we all just start in our homes? Let's just start with working on showing our families how to do the right thing because it's the right thing. If we find money, return it. Hold a door open while walking into a store/restaurant/place of business for the person behind you, if someone drops something bend down and help pick it up, say "please" and "thank you", acknowledge good things others do even just by saying "good job" and "thank you".
Do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. I know it won't change the world and free us from all the terrible things in life but just maybe it will make a difference even on a small level. We all have the potential to be "good people" and sometimes we just might need a little help seeing it. Help everyone see it. Live up to your potential.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Taking Time!
I am hairy! There I admit it! While I was removing all the wild hairs on my body either by way of tweezer or razor for oh--- about 30 minutes or longer it made me think of my friends. [sorry girls I will explain] I have very dark hair and the hair on my body is equally as dark, therefore, I have to shave and tweeze daily. I don't feel I am alone in this endeavor because I have heard stories of other women who carry tweezers in their cars and pluck and pull out hairs all day. Once I even had the pleasure of watching someone pluck hairs with a tweezer by a pool [ what the curse is that about you ask? Well, don't ask realize strange things happen to me all the time. Enough said! ] Anyway, I was cursing the [curse] out of my hairs [In the privacy of my home not in public...] when I remembered something about my past.
When I was in about 8th or 9th grade I decided I would be a "hippie", I stopped shaving, stopped eating meat, pierced my nose [and for the record that was WAY before every girl had a diamond stud on the side of her nose! The principal of my school called my mother to have me sent home because it was "causing a distraction". Yeah, I was a rebel!] I only listened to Freedom Rock, Hendrix, The Who, Led Zeppelin and The Grateful Dead and most importantly I told everyone I was a "hippie" therefore I was!
Meanwhile, my best friends rode the wave. They didn't follow [thank GOD] but they stood behind my strange ways. They tolerated my music and my hair -- well...the locker room was a bit tough and they did complain a bit about the hair but none the less they still stood by me.
Years passed and thankfully I outgrew my "hippie" ways. I welcomed back the 90's [ "Hello Salt n'Peppa!"] And good news! I welcomed back my razor, granted they didn't have the awesome 6 blade babies I use today but nonetheless my Daisy freed me from looking like a version of cousin IT from the Adam's Family. Moving forward I went through many, many more changes. And guess what? My friends were still there.
The other day a certain situation came up involving someone from my past. Once again my friend was there! Before she made a decision she asked me first. Once again proving how important our friendship is. I can't really go into a lot of detail here I can only say that one text message made me realize again my friends are always there! [thank you Clancy]
Once again all of this makes me realize how the ordinary things in life could strike a memory within making us aware of something so important. During your busy days take some time to appreciate your ordinary things in life. They just might mean something. And take a minute to give a compliment and/or say "thank you!" Even if it's to yourself. It feels good.
Today I am grateful for those wild hairs because they reminded me of my friends and how many things we have all been through together. I am grateful to have a circle of girls for the last 20 to 30 years that know me better than I know myself sometimes! [Raise a glass...] Thank you all...for understanding my hair, for putting up with my ever changing world and for being the best friends anyone could have.
When I was in about 8th or 9th grade I decided I would be a "hippie", I stopped shaving, stopped eating meat, pierced my nose [and for the record that was WAY before every girl had a diamond stud on the side of her nose! The principal of my school called my mother to have me sent home because it was "causing a distraction". Yeah, I was a rebel!] I only listened to Freedom Rock, Hendrix, The Who, Led Zeppelin and The Grateful Dead and most importantly I told everyone I was a "hippie" therefore I was!
Meanwhile, my best friends rode the wave. They didn't follow [thank GOD] but they stood behind my strange ways. They tolerated my music and my hair -- well...the locker room was a bit tough and they did complain a bit about the hair but none the less they still stood by me.
Years passed and thankfully I outgrew my "hippie" ways. I welcomed back the 90's [ "Hello Salt n'Peppa!"] And good news! I welcomed back my razor, granted they didn't have the awesome 6 blade babies I use today but nonetheless my Daisy freed me from looking like a version of cousin IT from the Adam's Family. Moving forward I went through many, many more changes. And guess what? My friends were still there.
The other day a certain situation came up involving someone from my past. Once again my friend was there! Before she made a decision she asked me first. Once again proving how important our friendship is. I can't really go into a lot of detail here I can only say that one text message made me realize again my friends are always there! [thank you Clancy]
Once again all of this makes me realize how the ordinary things in life could strike a memory within making us aware of something so important. During your busy days take some time to appreciate your ordinary things in life. They just might mean something. And take a minute to give a compliment and/or say "thank you!" Even if it's to yourself. It feels good.
Today I am grateful for those wild hairs because they reminded me of my friends and how many things we have all been through together. I am grateful to have a circle of girls for the last 20 to 30 years that know me better than I know myself sometimes! [Raise a glass...] Thank you all...for understanding my hair, for putting up with my ever changing world and for being the best friends anyone could have.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Bieber, Obama and T-shirts
Okay, what do Justin Beiber, Barack Obama and a t-shirt have in common? First I will address the Bieb. Two weeks ago my niece, my sister, my son and I attended the Justin Beiber concert in Philadelphia. And let me just say that boy is so talented! We were at this concert and my son asked me for cotton candy I went to get it with him. My niece and my sister stood in a line at least 75 people deep to buy a $35.00 dollar t-shirt [what the curse is wrong with these people?] While my poor sister waited and pushed and got pushed in this line she yelled to me across the crowd asking if my son wanted a shirt also. Of course the heat of the moment led to him saying "YES" [At which time I am thinking, OH curse, I do not see this as a good thing and OMG we are a part of these people spending our money on 35.00 t-shirts!]. Next he immediately removed his cool shirt (the one I picked out specifically for the concert) and put on his t-shirt [now I am looking at my 8 year old boy in a shirt with a another Male's face on it. And it isn't Jerry Garcia, Jimi Hendrix or Mick Jagger! I immediately worried what others would think of him] .
We had a great time, we danced, we sang, we watched Justin fly on stage with wings, swim underwater off a ship, we saw fireworks and fire on stage! It really was a great concert. My sister did a great job getting us through traffic and we got home around 1:30 AM. Monday morning, my son was aloud to stay home from school due to the late hour we got home and my sister and niece staying over. Monday morning my son immediately put the shirt back on. Wore it all day. And asked to wear it to school on Tuesday. I washed it and discussed the following with him: Kids are mean. Kids might make fun of you for wearing this shirt. Are you prepared to deal with what other kids might say to you for wearing this shirt? Are you sure you want to wear this shirt? His response, " Mom, I like his music. I am proud that I went to the concert. Some people like rap, some people like country, some people like pop." That is a quote. I stood behind his decision. And after school he said only one "4th grader" said " Justin Beiber is gay". I have no idea of knowing if anyone else said anything and I am not sure if he knows either [mostly because he truly didn't care] but what courage this boy had! Even with all my negative talk about the potential teasing he stood by his decision. How could I not be proud of that? How could I not admire that? What a cool kid!
That same week the next day was election day. I NEVER discuss politics at work or with co-workers and because my fiance and I agree for the most part on our political views we rarely discuss opinions and views at home. We do encourage being informed and we do encourage the democratic process. Some people mentioned the election on Monday and Tuesday and then on Wednesday the results to me I found myself worried to state my own political views. I felt ashamed in front of some people and I felt worried to voice my opinion in front of others due to either lack of knowledge or fear that I would say the wrong thing. As most people know I often have little difficulties voicing my opinion [I have a blog for God's sake]. Anyway, my son and his Bieber shirt came to mind on my ride home from work that day. If only I could have that same carefree attitude as he did. If only I wasn't afraid to speak my mind as he did. Then it made me wonder if I was like him one day? Fearless of others opinions, fearless to speak my mind, and what happened? And then I began to think of all the things I am afraid to speak up about and I thought "WOW I am a coward"[curse]! And I realized how worried about appearances I am. And how often I tell my children to make a good impression and to think about how others will judge them!
Leading me to this next point [sorry I am getting there] Who the [curse] am I to put the idea in my son's head that everyone will laugh at him over a t-shirt? Who am I to pre-judge people and assume they will feel a certain way about me for voicing my opinion? Who am I to underestimate myself and others so much that I am afraid? [ WOW I am pompous, self-centered, egotistical and afraid]
And here is what Bieber, Obama and t-shirts have in common, no matter what we can't control what others say or think about us and we will never know what others feel if we just "go with the flow" and maybe by standing up and being ourselves we can help others to feel confident to do the same. I guess what I am saying is that it's ok to be different. I know that sounds redundant we all here it all the time. But really think about it. As parent's how many times have you told your kids they couldn't wear certain things, or do their hair a certain way, or purchased things for them just because they had to have it because every other child in their class had it? As adults how many times do you refrain from voicing your opinion in work or with your friends or your family? How many times do you stop and think about how you will impact others by saying or doing certain things? I am not saying we need to cause controversy or chaos wherever we go or disregard other's feelings or opinions. Actually I am asking that we all do the opposite, we accept others and their differences, we accept and listen to differences in opinions and we stand by our own points of views.
I will continue to tell my boys they need to dress appropriately for certain events and they have to look clean and be polite and courteous to others. I will also remember to tell them to respect others differences and to keep their own views but to listen to what others have to say. Maybe all of us need to accept other's perspectives and make the effort not to discourage self-expression. And that is where the "it's ok to be different" thing really starts to make sense. [to me anyway]
"We want everybody to act like adults, quit playing games, realize that it's not just my way or the highway."
Barack Obama
“Two people can look at the same thing and see it differently..”
Justin Bieber
"Some people like rap, some people like country, some people like pop."
Grant Smith
We had a great time, we danced, we sang, we watched Justin fly on stage with wings, swim underwater off a ship, we saw fireworks and fire on stage! It really was a great concert. My sister did a great job getting us through traffic and we got home around 1:30 AM. Monday morning, my son was aloud to stay home from school due to the late hour we got home and my sister and niece staying over. Monday morning my son immediately put the shirt back on. Wore it all day. And asked to wear it to school on Tuesday. I washed it and discussed the following with him: Kids are mean. Kids might make fun of you for wearing this shirt. Are you prepared to deal with what other kids might say to you for wearing this shirt? Are you sure you want to wear this shirt? His response, " Mom, I like his music. I am proud that I went to the concert. Some people like rap, some people like country, some people like pop." That is a quote. I stood behind his decision. And after school he said only one "4th grader" said " Justin Beiber is gay". I have no idea of knowing if anyone else said anything and I am not sure if he knows either [mostly because he truly didn't care] but what courage this boy had! Even with all my negative talk about the potential teasing he stood by his decision. How could I not be proud of that? How could I not admire that? What a cool kid!
That same week the next day was election day. I NEVER discuss politics at work or with co-workers and because my fiance and I agree for the most part on our political views we rarely discuss opinions and views at home. We do encourage being informed and we do encourage the democratic process. Some people mentioned the election on Monday and Tuesday and then on Wednesday the results to me I found myself worried to state my own political views. I felt ashamed in front of some people and I felt worried to voice my opinion in front of others due to either lack of knowledge or fear that I would say the wrong thing. As most people know I often have little difficulties voicing my opinion [I have a blog for God's sake]. Anyway, my son and his Bieber shirt came to mind on my ride home from work that day. If only I could have that same carefree attitude as he did. If only I wasn't afraid to speak my mind as he did. Then it made me wonder if I was like him one day? Fearless of others opinions, fearless to speak my mind, and what happened? And then I began to think of all the things I am afraid to speak up about and I thought "WOW I am a coward"[curse]! And I realized how worried about appearances I am. And how often I tell my children to make a good impression and to think about how others will judge them!
Leading me to this next point [sorry I am getting there] Who the [curse] am I to put the idea in my son's head that everyone will laugh at him over a t-shirt? Who am I to pre-judge people and assume they will feel a certain way about me for voicing my opinion? Who am I to underestimate myself and others so much that I am afraid? [ WOW I am pompous, self-centered, egotistical and afraid]
And here is what Bieber, Obama and t-shirts have in common, no matter what we can't control what others say or think about us and we will never know what others feel if we just "go with the flow" and maybe by standing up and being ourselves we can help others to feel confident to do the same. I guess what I am saying is that it's ok to be different. I know that sounds redundant we all here it all the time. But really think about it. As parent's how many times have you told your kids they couldn't wear certain things, or do their hair a certain way, or purchased things for them just because they had to have it because every other child in their class had it? As adults how many times do you refrain from voicing your opinion in work or with your friends or your family? How many times do you stop and think about how you will impact others by saying or doing certain things? I am not saying we need to cause controversy or chaos wherever we go or disregard other's feelings or opinions. Actually I am asking that we all do the opposite, we accept others and their differences, we accept and listen to differences in opinions and we stand by our own points of views.
I will continue to tell my boys they need to dress appropriately for certain events and they have to look clean and be polite and courteous to others. I will also remember to tell them to respect others differences and to keep their own views but to listen to what others have to say. Maybe all of us need to accept other's perspectives and make the effort not to discourage self-expression. And that is where the "it's ok to be different" thing really starts to make sense. [to me anyway]
"We want everybody to act like adults, quit playing games, realize that it's not just my way or the highway."
Barack Obama
“Two people can look at the same thing and see it differently..”
Justin Bieber
"Some people like rap, some people like country, some people like pop."
Grant Smith
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Drifter?
I was reading one of my "dirty" magazines the other day, which by the way are neatly tucked behind the new Pottery Barn fall catalogues, and I discovered a very interesting article. [no wonder my sister the librarian enjoys my hand-me-down magazines, they aren't just filled with articles on how to laugh your way to an orgasm!] Anyway, this article talked about a social phenomenon referred to as drifting. Drifting apparently is when you find yourself moving through life without your own purpose. Allowing others to take the wheel, finding yourself in circumstances that you discover you have not made a firm decision to be in. It described scenarios such as your job, your living arrangements, your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. They describe it as being in situations that allow others to make decisions for you. At first I read this and thought, "wow that would really suck". "Who would want to live like that???" Then I really thought about it and realized [ Holy curse] I am a drifter!!! My life is dictated by my son's schedule, his fathers schedule, my work schedule, my fiance's schedule, his kids schedule and his ex-wife's schedule for that matter, my oldest son's schedule, my brothers schedule, my mother's schedule, every situation I am in is dictated by someone else. I am the biggest [cursing] drifter ever! This is where the anger set in followed by some serious cursing in my mind and followed up with some " who do they think they are to tell me what I can and can't do"?
After some time [ok, I admit this, probably a day or more--curse you dirty magazine article, I am going to stick with the hottest holiday fashion trends next month] I decided to focus on the parts about changing behaviors to avoid regret. I had to break this article down bit by bit , and put it into a 30 something age range and rationalize some more and realize those dreaded words stating that if you don't tune into yourself and change the drift your life will be filled with missed opportunities and regret were not necessarily true for every situation. [ really read those words, missed opportunities and regret! What the curse? That is total doom and gloom. See why I was so worried?]
Here is the good part I am not a drifter because I choose not to make my own life decisions, I am drifting because I am a mom, I am a good partner, and I am a helpful person [ some of that might be bull, but I have to rationalize this stuff somehow]. As we grow up and move on, our responsibilities aren't what they used to be. I can see how drifting is a problem when you find yourself in a situation where you wished you could have done something else with your life, in areas such as your career. Or when you realize that you may have chosen the wrong partner.
The reason I am writing about this is because all of us have been in situations that we may not exactly have wanted to be in, we may be "I don't care'ers" a little too much from time to time. Yet, here is the really good part, it's never too late to change anything! I have realized that I was a far greater drifter in the past. And while I will forever be indebted to my student loans [curse], I love my job. It was worth the 3 years of grad school and torture to be where I am today. My children will always come first, I suppose I will always be a drifter when it comes to them. And that's ok. My family will always be next on my list, and that is ok. My job, only because I care about it and I like what I do will be next, and that's a good thing. I can put my head on my pillow at night and rest soundly that I do not have missed opportunities or regret, and at the end of the day that's what matters. Finding who we are or who we want to be is the most important thing in life. Go ahead and drift a bit with your family, friends, even your job but never loose sight of your own goals. And change what you can. The struggle in life is the hardest part but also the most rewarding!
After some time [ok, I admit this, probably a day or more--curse you dirty magazine article, I am going to stick with the hottest holiday fashion trends next month] I decided to focus on the parts about changing behaviors to avoid regret. I had to break this article down bit by bit , and put it into a 30 something age range and rationalize some more and realize those dreaded words stating that if you don't tune into yourself and change the drift your life will be filled with missed opportunities and regret were not necessarily true for every situation. [ really read those words, missed opportunities and regret! What the curse? That is total doom and gloom. See why I was so worried?]
Here is the good part I am not a drifter because I choose not to make my own life decisions, I am drifting because I am a mom, I am a good partner, and I am a helpful person [ some of that might be bull, but I have to rationalize this stuff somehow]. As we grow up and move on, our responsibilities aren't what they used to be. I can see how drifting is a problem when you find yourself in a situation where you wished you could have done something else with your life, in areas such as your career. Or when you realize that you may have chosen the wrong partner.
The reason I am writing about this is because all of us have been in situations that we may not exactly have wanted to be in, we may be "I don't care'ers" a little too much from time to time. Yet, here is the really good part, it's never too late to change anything! I have realized that I was a far greater drifter in the past. And while I will forever be indebted to my student loans [curse], I love my job. It was worth the 3 years of grad school and torture to be where I am today. My children will always come first, I suppose I will always be a drifter when it comes to them. And that's ok. My family will always be next on my list, and that is ok. My job, only because I care about it and I like what I do will be next, and that's a good thing. I can put my head on my pillow at night and rest soundly that I do not have missed opportunities or regret, and at the end of the day that's what matters. Finding who we are or who we want to be is the most important thing in life. Go ahead and drift a bit with your family, friends, even your job but never loose sight of your own goals. And change what you can. The struggle in life is the hardest part but also the most rewarding!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
School vs. Class
It sure has been a long time since my last post, time sure does fly--- sometimes way too quickly.
Since my last post my oldest son graduated high school and turned 18. My mom brought him a card today, and she brought me a clipping from a magazine [she does that sometimes and I don't know if she realizes how much it means, it shows she is thinking of me even if we haven't talked to each other or seen each other for a few days]. The clipping from the magazine titled "940 Saturdays" stated that there are 940 Saturdays from the day our children are born until their 18th birthday [from no regrets parenting by Harley Rotbart, MD]. I can't believe I have only had 940 Saturdays with my son. This raises so so so many things in my mind. At first I have to say that I was thrilled at the idea that he was legally an adult in the state of Pennsylvania[FREE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST]. Until I realized, this is sad, really sad. I want a re-do. I want to go back and start over. I don't want him to be 18, or even 8 for that matter. I want him to be newborn again all 4 pounds of his skinny bird like legs and wide brown eyes. I want him to be a baby again...but he can't. And I don't get my re-do. It is a very difficult transition. More so than I ever thought possible. I didn't believe that it would be so hard. I actually prided myself on his independence. I actually believed I would have many different emotions surrounding this time, sadness was one I did not count on.
Anyway, how does time get ahead of us this quickly, so many of us count days until the weekends, count days until vacation, count days until the last or first day of school. Wishing time away. I do it. But seeing that number "940" makes me think twice about doing so. In fact, I am going to make it a true effort NOT to do so.
Leading to my second point here, while our children make transitions and meet all of their age appropriate milestones, take a minute to notice and remind them to do so also. I bring this up because as I sat in the same stadium where I graduated high school from, watching him sit on the same field that I did, I realized I couldn't remember where I sat at my own graduation. I didn't remember the speaches, I didn't remember my reactions afterwards, I do remember some other parts of that warm June night, but I couldn't remember every detail and I wanted to and I tried but I couldn't. Making me realize how even when we try to keep very important events in our minds it is easy to forget. And making it more sad, I realized that someday I might not remember every detail of his graduation.
I also thought about how this day changed my son in so many ways. It changed both of us. I now have to remind him not to stay up too late because he will have "class" in the morning versus telling him to go to bed because he won't be able to get up for school. I will now have to ask him how his classes are going, and I won't exactly know who the teachers/professors are and I certainly won't have parent teacher conferences. He won't have to ask me to sign papers, or tests, or permisson slips. School vs. Class - it sure does change a lot. Doesn't it?
BUT, I also have news for him, 18 years ago on a very warm June day, I took on a job that I can never quit. I may not be needed to sign permisson slips, but I am still here. Just as my mom has proven to me that she thinks of me even when we aren't together, I will always find a way to do the same for him. And who knows, maybe someday I will be clipping articles that remind me of him and drop them off at his house. NOT that I am counting the days until that happens. For now I am grateful that I will have some more of those Saturdays to tack on to our number of the amount of days that we live together.
Since my last post my oldest son graduated high school and turned 18. My mom brought him a card today, and she brought me a clipping from a magazine [she does that sometimes and I don't know if she realizes how much it means, it shows she is thinking of me even if we haven't talked to each other or seen each other for a few days]. The clipping from the magazine titled "940 Saturdays" stated that there are 940 Saturdays from the day our children are born until their 18th birthday [from no regrets parenting by Harley Rotbart, MD]. I can't believe I have only had 940 Saturdays with my son. This raises so so so many things in my mind. At first I have to say that I was thrilled at the idea that he was legally an adult in the state of Pennsylvania[FREE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST]. Until I realized, this is sad, really sad. I want a re-do. I want to go back and start over. I don't want him to be 18, or even 8 for that matter. I want him to be newborn again all 4 pounds of his skinny bird like legs and wide brown eyes. I want him to be a baby again...but he can't. And I don't get my re-do. It is a very difficult transition. More so than I ever thought possible. I didn't believe that it would be so hard. I actually prided myself on his independence. I actually believed I would have many different emotions surrounding this time, sadness was one I did not count on.
Anyway, how does time get ahead of us this quickly, so many of us count days until the weekends, count days until vacation, count days until the last or first day of school. Wishing time away. I do it. But seeing that number "940" makes me think twice about doing so. In fact, I am going to make it a true effort NOT to do so.
Leading to my second point here, while our children make transitions and meet all of their age appropriate milestones, take a minute to notice and remind them to do so also. I bring this up because as I sat in the same stadium where I graduated high school from, watching him sit on the same field that I did, I realized I couldn't remember where I sat at my own graduation. I didn't remember the speaches, I didn't remember my reactions afterwards, I do remember some other parts of that warm June night, but I couldn't remember every detail and I wanted to and I tried but I couldn't. Making me realize how even when we try to keep very important events in our minds it is easy to forget. And making it more sad, I realized that someday I might not remember every detail of his graduation.
I also thought about how this day changed my son in so many ways. It changed both of us. I now have to remind him not to stay up too late because he will have "class" in the morning versus telling him to go to bed because he won't be able to get up for school. I will now have to ask him how his classes are going, and I won't exactly know who the teachers/professors are and I certainly won't have parent teacher conferences. He won't have to ask me to sign papers, or tests, or permisson slips. School vs. Class - it sure does change a lot. Doesn't it?
BUT, I also have news for him, 18 years ago on a very warm June day, I took on a job that I can never quit. I may not be needed to sign permisson slips, but I am still here. Just as my mom has proven to me that she thinks of me even when we aren't together, I will always find a way to do the same for him. And who knows, maybe someday I will be clipping articles that remind me of him and drop them off at his house. NOT that I am counting the days until that happens. For now I am grateful that I will have some more of those Saturdays to tack on to our number of the amount of days that we live together.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day!
So, it has been a while since my last post. Let me catch you up to date with my life. First, I am now officially an LSW. A licensed social worker in the state of Pennsylvania! Second, I completed my 1/2 marathon. Also, my family had a wonderful trip to Disney and my son received First Holy Communion. Now, I am preparing my oldest son's graduation and party (yeah he made it)... So with all that going on I haven't had much time to write. However, here I am again! First line of business is Mother's Day.
I woke up this morning before everyone else, I pre-set my coffee maker last night so it was ready for me. Standing in front of the coffee maker was a card [I will come back to this]. I sat and read my local paper [I cried about 4 times within this half hour time frame over articles within the paper] and then for some reason one of my best friends popped into my mind. [ HOLY Sh-- I am the most horrible friend in the entire world! I freaking forgot about her daughter's birthday party! I didn't even respond to it! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I?????] I would have called her at that moment but it was 7:00AM. So I am writing it here. " Kelly, I am so sorry. You are always there when it counts the most and I didn't even have the mind to call you about your child's birthday! I am so sorry!!!!" Leading me to think about all of my friends. I know I have written about them all before, but on mother's day I think I need to acknowledge them again. See when you grow up with each other as we all have done each one of us has been a mom to each other at one point in our lives and I am grateful and thankful for each of them! Happy Mother's Day to you all!!!
Yesterday my fiance asked me about 20 times what I wanted to do in honor of my special day. Each response I gave was "it's not a big deal, it's not a big day. It's an ordinary Sunday so we don't need to do anything!" My plan for today was to catch up on the fun things in life -- start off with a run, do some laundry, maybe some yard work and maybe watching some of my recorded t.v. shows visiting with my mom, dinner with my boys at home and even doing my nails (a simple day). I don't need dinner in a crowded restaurant, I don't expensive gifts, I don't need anything big! While sometimes his planning drives me crazy [sorry it does!] it also shows me how much he cares! And actually his asking is gift enough. Knowing he cares enough to drive us both crazy is the gift.
I got something big anyway! That card in front of the coffee maker [the very first place I go in the morning. Something only someone who has lived and spent a lot of time with me would know] was from my oldest son. The boy who is always short on words [unless he is asking for or to do something] the boy who I have to pull words out of, the boy who in just a little over a month will be legally a man, the boy who I have anguished over and prayed a million prayers for and worried about like you wouldn't believe [I guess you get the point here, he was a difficult teenager!] Left this card for me [on his own]. The card was perfect and simple and he even wrote in it. And I won't reveal what he wrote but I will just say in his own words he proved to me that I have done my job! [ HOLY S--t he does love me, and he does get it! I am a good mom!!!] I got my BIG DAY!!!
Also, my youngest son ran out of school on Friday with a framed gift for me. It was a poem his teacher had him frame. It was a poem that of course made me cry but what was even better than the poem was the piece of ripped paper that was attached to the outside of it with tape that was dirty and crinkled, reading " p.s. I LOVE YOU". Again, a sign that my son had to add a little something on his own. And that was all I needed for mother's day. Two "I love yous"!!! As a mom of boy's I have to admit that I have found myself worried that they will grow up, get married, and move on to their significant others and only visit in passing. And that may be the case, however, at least I will have memories of days like this where I know that they love me and I did my best for both of them.
This morning one of the articles that made me cry was written by Maria Heck and she quoted a song from Kenny Chesney. I don't listen to country music but it seems like this song referenced not blinking because if you do your children are grown and gone. Well, it does seem as though that happens. I know I would be richer [monetary], I know I would have had an easier life, I know I would have all the time in the world to enjoy things just for myself, but for me as a mom none of that stuff would matter as much without my boys!
And last but certainly not least, my mom...We went to Disney together and it has been the longest time I spent with her non-stop in a very very long time. My mom was an unconventional parent [sorry mom you were] but she also taught me very important life lessons. Most importantly the thing I love the most about my mom is how we laugh together. Thanks to my mom for a wonderful vacation and helping to make memories with my son's!!! And as always thanks to my mom for some wonderful laughs!!!
So today, take some time to laugh, to remember those important people in your life, to say thanks, to allow yourself to receive praise and thanks and to make some great memories...And while it all goes by so quickly it leaves behind the best times of our lives! Happy Mother's Day!!!
I woke up this morning before everyone else, I pre-set my coffee maker last night so it was ready for me. Standing in front of the coffee maker was a card [I will come back to this]. I sat and read my local paper [I cried about 4 times within this half hour time frame over articles within the paper] and then for some reason one of my best friends popped into my mind. [ HOLY Sh-- I am the most horrible friend in the entire world! I freaking forgot about her daughter's birthday party! I didn't even respond to it! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I?????] I would have called her at that moment but it was 7:00AM. So I am writing it here. " Kelly, I am so sorry. You are always there when it counts the most and I didn't even have the mind to call you about your child's birthday! I am so sorry!!!!" Leading me to think about all of my friends. I know I have written about them all before, but on mother's day I think I need to acknowledge them again. See when you grow up with each other as we all have done each one of us has been a mom to each other at one point in our lives and I am grateful and thankful for each of them! Happy Mother's Day to you all!!!
Yesterday my fiance asked me about 20 times what I wanted to do in honor of my special day. Each response I gave was "it's not a big deal, it's not a big day. It's an ordinary Sunday so we don't need to do anything!" My plan for today was to catch up on the fun things in life -- start off with a run, do some laundry, maybe some yard work and maybe watching some of my recorded t.v. shows visiting with my mom, dinner with my boys at home and even doing my nails (a simple day). I don't need dinner in a crowded restaurant, I don't expensive gifts, I don't need anything big! While sometimes his planning drives me crazy [sorry it does!] it also shows me how much he cares! And actually his asking is gift enough. Knowing he cares enough to drive us both crazy is the gift.
I got something big anyway! That card in front of the coffee maker [the very first place I go in the morning. Something only someone who has lived and spent a lot of time with me would know] was from my oldest son. The boy who is always short on words [unless he is asking for or to do something] the boy who I have to pull words out of, the boy who in just a little over a month will be legally a man, the boy who I have anguished over and prayed a million prayers for and worried about like you wouldn't believe [I guess you get the point here, he was a difficult teenager!] Left this card for me [on his own]. The card was perfect and simple and he even wrote in it. And I won't reveal what he wrote but I will just say in his own words he proved to me that I have done my job! [ HOLY S--t he does love me, and he does get it! I am a good mom!!!] I got my BIG DAY!!!
Also, my youngest son ran out of school on Friday with a framed gift for me. It was a poem his teacher had him frame. It was a poem that of course made me cry but what was even better than the poem was the piece of ripped paper that was attached to the outside of it with tape that was dirty and crinkled, reading " p.s. I LOVE YOU". Again, a sign that my son had to add a little something on his own. And that was all I needed for mother's day. Two "I love yous"!!! As a mom of boy's I have to admit that I have found myself worried that they will grow up, get married, and move on to their significant others and only visit in passing. And that may be the case, however, at least I will have memories of days like this where I know that they love me and I did my best for both of them.
This morning one of the articles that made me cry was written by Maria Heck and she quoted a song from Kenny Chesney. I don't listen to country music but it seems like this song referenced not blinking because if you do your children are grown and gone. Well, it does seem as though that happens. I know I would be richer [monetary], I know I would have had an easier life, I know I would have all the time in the world to enjoy things just for myself, but for me as a mom none of that stuff would matter as much without my boys!
And last but certainly not least, my mom...We went to Disney together and it has been the longest time I spent with her non-stop in a very very long time. My mom was an unconventional parent [sorry mom you were] but she also taught me very important life lessons. Most importantly the thing I love the most about my mom is how we laugh together. Thanks to my mom for a wonderful vacation and helping to make memories with my son's!!! And as always thanks to my mom for some wonderful laughs!!!
So today, take some time to laugh, to remember those important people in your life, to say thanks, to allow yourself to receive praise and thanks and to make some great memories...And while it all goes by so quickly it leaves behind the best times of our lives! Happy Mother's Day!!!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Does it really work???
As any of us who are parents of children who are old enough to watch any of the cable children's television network channels know "as seen on TV" items are HOT! You can make slushy's in a magic cup with magic cubes, you can turn your bathtub into a jello arena, you can put a magic screen on your windows and doors, you can get an amazing DVD set to watch lots and lots of jets and planes for a whole two hours, you can remove hair from any item on your body with a magic wand/glove/tool, you can give yourself air brushed nails with the magic of a special non-airbrush tool, you can wrap yourself in a body sized blanket, you can wrap your hair in a special towel when you get out of the shower, you can make giant sized cupcakes big enough to be an entire cake, and basically anything you can add the word magic onto or after or in front of turns into a magic oasis of JUNK! Guess what, I have purchased some of these items [ you may ask what the (blank) is wrong with her? Or you may be saying "me too"].
As I am a Christian and I celebrate Easter, the Easter bunny decided to bring my entire family the magic cup and cubes that turn any drink into a slushy. Guess what IT WORKED!!! It really does turn any drink into a slushy. Except the slushy doesn't last very long, and the cubes can be punctured easily so I suggest taking them out of the cup before you allow an overly excited child to push the magic spoon straw into the cup [ he didn't break the cubes because my anxiety wouldn't allow him to do it, but my anxiety also allowed me to see the worst and prevent it before it happened]. Anyway, here I sat pouring every kind of liquid we had that was drinkable for an underage child into the magic machine and of course it made me wonder "what the blank is wrong with me?" "Did I really spend 100.00 dollars on 5 of these magic machines when I have a blender that crushes ice sitting on the very counter that I have now turned into a magic slushy counter"? And the answer is, yes I did. And I can diagnosis most people but I still have no idea what is wrong with me.
Magic drinks lead me to think about a few things, first it did work. It worked in many ways, it made my youngest and even oldest son very happy, and it made a great memory for all of us in our kitchen on Easter Monday. It worked to make us laugh, make us smile when they worked make us laugh about different mixtures and sure we could have used the blender, and yeah I could have bought 1 vs. 5 and had the kids share, but even if it didn't work it helped us to spend time together.
Each day I go through my morning routines such as morning showers, breakfast, school checklists, making beds, etc...each day I teach my sons different daily things that they will need to do on their own someday making beds, getting in and out of the shower dressing themselves in decent matching clothes, pouring cereal, watching the time to get to where we need to be on time etc... And each day that my youngest son does one of these things on his own without help, or my oldest son who is up, dressed, fed, smelling and looking like a million bucks (sometimes less than a million but he is a senior this year) yells from the other room "BYE MOM" I am both proud, and sad. I am happy and scared. I am lonely and overwhelmed by my lists. I am confused and the most organized. I also realize that my job will someday be less and less, and that even when my days seem endless and nothing makes anyone happy and all I can do to get a moment of rest is hide in the bathroom with the door locked for a minute, that it will all end someday if I have done my job correctly.
So for those of you who think I am crazy for purchasing a pet that grows disgusting herbs, or a light that turns on and off when you clap I might be. But they did work because each gave me and my kids things to do with each other. I am not saying you or we needed to run out and buy these over priced things in order to spend time together, you can make slushy's in the blender, you can plant flowers in the yard, you can supplement the stuff and make it less expensive but for us it worked. I guess what I am saying is that when my 8 year old came to me as proud as could be with a bed that he made on his own, and as I sat as the passenger next to my oldest son in the car and we all laughed over our imperfect slushy's I realized how grateful I was for those stupid drinks and each moment I had with both of them. I guess I am just saying how grateful I am for each of those moments and how quickly it goes by. [wait let me get my magic slushy drink to hold in the air] Here is to each moment of each day that we have with our kids. Time moves so quickly!
As I am a Christian and I celebrate Easter, the Easter bunny decided to bring my entire family the magic cup and cubes that turn any drink into a slushy. Guess what IT WORKED!!! It really does turn any drink into a slushy. Except the slushy doesn't last very long, and the cubes can be punctured easily so I suggest taking them out of the cup before you allow an overly excited child to push the magic spoon straw into the cup [ he didn't break the cubes because my anxiety wouldn't allow him to do it, but my anxiety also allowed me to see the worst and prevent it before it happened]. Anyway, here I sat pouring every kind of liquid we had that was drinkable for an underage child into the magic machine and of course it made me wonder "what the blank is wrong with me?" "Did I really spend 100.00 dollars on 5 of these magic machines when I have a blender that crushes ice sitting on the very counter that I have now turned into a magic slushy counter"? And the answer is, yes I did. And I can diagnosis most people but I still have no idea what is wrong with me.
Magic drinks lead me to think about a few things, first it did work. It worked in many ways, it made my youngest and even oldest son very happy, and it made a great memory for all of us in our kitchen on Easter Monday. It worked to make us laugh, make us smile when they worked make us laugh about different mixtures and sure we could have used the blender, and yeah I could have bought 1 vs. 5 and had the kids share, but even if it didn't work it helped us to spend time together.
Each day I go through my morning routines such as morning showers, breakfast, school checklists, making beds, etc...each day I teach my sons different daily things that they will need to do on their own someday making beds, getting in and out of the shower dressing themselves in decent matching clothes, pouring cereal, watching the time to get to where we need to be on time etc... And each day that my youngest son does one of these things on his own without help, or my oldest son who is up, dressed, fed, smelling and looking like a million bucks (sometimes less than a million but he is a senior this year) yells from the other room "BYE MOM" I am both proud, and sad. I am happy and scared. I am lonely and overwhelmed by my lists. I am confused and the most organized. I also realize that my job will someday be less and less, and that even when my days seem endless and nothing makes anyone happy and all I can do to get a moment of rest is hide in the bathroom with the door locked for a minute, that it will all end someday if I have done my job correctly.
So for those of you who think I am crazy for purchasing a pet that grows disgusting herbs, or a light that turns on and off when you clap I might be. But they did work because each gave me and my kids things to do with each other. I am not saying you or we needed to run out and buy these over priced things in order to spend time together, you can make slushy's in the blender, you can plant flowers in the yard, you can supplement the stuff and make it less expensive but for us it worked. I guess what I am saying is that when my 8 year old came to me as proud as could be with a bed that he made on his own, and as I sat as the passenger next to my oldest son in the car and we all laughed over our imperfect slushy's I realized how grateful I was for those stupid drinks and each moment I had with both of them. I guess I am just saying how grateful I am for each of those moments and how quickly it goes by. [wait let me get my magic slushy drink to hold in the air] Here is to each moment of each day that we have with our kids. Time moves so quickly!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Lot's of Wood!
We decided to do some remodeling and are going to have new hardwood floors installed [good bye ugly carpet and white and navy tile!] So, the guys dropped off the wood so it could get acclimated to the house. Prior to this, my Saturday morning consisted of some long ranting about how dirty and dusty the house is. [some people have said that our home is far from dirty, however, I admit I have some serious issues with over-doing it on the house cleaning. I will also admit after I have cleaned often the smell of bleach will linger off of my hands for days. I have issues, I know] Anyone who has lived with me knows that a glass in the sink, a dust ball in the corner of a floor, dog hair on carpet or anywhere things are out of place can set me into a spiralling furry of misery. I become another person with an overwhelming need to clean. I can't explain how happy I am when I know everything is in it's place and I can sit back and enjoy my home.
Ok, enough about that nonsense [that's me avoiding further discussion about my cleaning habits] and on to the wood. So, I was in one of those frenzies this weekend and after scrubbing the house I moved onto putting clothes away which lead to pulling clothes out of my youngest son's room, clothes that he could no longer fit in and filling a bag to give these clothes away when my oldest son came in with the look of either just having done something horrible, or witnessing something horrible. He looked at me with a smirk, then carefully did not make eye contact and said "did you see the mess down there?" My response was "I can't look! Wait how bad is it? Are they ripping things apart?" Then he quietly said "you will have to look for yourself". And so I finished putting the clothes in the bag [another issue---I can't leave anything unfinished] I marched down the stairs and looked in the living room. There in a neat pile off to the side sat about 20 boxes of wood. [what the heck was this boy talking about?] There really wasn't a mess. There were a lot of boxes in our living room, but far from a mess. And it hit me, just like a wooden board to the head, I AM INSANE! Everyone was fearful of my response to these boards. Everyone was worried I would have a melt down over some boxes piled in our living room. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? There are definitely worst things in this world, only thing here is that my family felt that to me this would be the worst thing in the world.
I face challenges daily, I assist others with challenges they face daily, I care a lot about the outcome of how these challenges are handled, and I certainly do not see boxes of wood as a challenge. Yet, others see me caring about these boxes, A LOT!! And so, it makes me wonder how I am perceived in this world? And does it matter?
Well, yes it matters. Where does it leave me? Not yelling about wood in my living room, not freaking about the glass left in the sink, not yelling that my laundry doesn't just jump into drawers after it's been washed and folded. It leaves me feeling a bit ashamed and willing to change. [just a little] I will refrain from the screaming not the cleaning. I realize it is my issue not my families. And maybe I will try to approach some other things this way, actually when you think about it most things that make us upset come from some sort of idea in OUR own minds that things should be a certain way. If you really take a look at some recent disagreements or recent disputes it does make sense. Not to say that we should allow unfair or unjust things to occur and we need to compromise our values, we just may need to realize that we see certain things from a specific perspective and that perspective may not be the same as others. And that is ok. That is what makes us, well us.
As I attempt to say goodbye to that mean lady who visits approximately once [ok or 3 or 5 times] a week, I will learn to whistle while I work or do it when no one is home!
Ok, enough about that nonsense [that's me avoiding further discussion about my cleaning habits] and on to the wood. So, I was in one of those frenzies this weekend and after scrubbing the house I moved onto putting clothes away which lead to pulling clothes out of my youngest son's room, clothes that he could no longer fit in and filling a bag to give these clothes away when my oldest son came in with the look of either just having done something horrible, or witnessing something horrible. He looked at me with a smirk, then carefully did not make eye contact and said "did you see the mess down there?" My response was "I can't look! Wait how bad is it? Are they ripping things apart?" Then he quietly said "you will have to look for yourself". And so I finished putting the clothes in the bag [another issue---I can't leave anything unfinished] I marched down the stairs and looked in the living room. There in a neat pile off to the side sat about 20 boxes of wood. [what the heck was this boy talking about?] There really wasn't a mess. There were a lot of boxes in our living room, but far from a mess. And it hit me, just like a wooden board to the head, I AM INSANE! Everyone was fearful of my response to these boards. Everyone was worried I would have a melt down over some boxes piled in our living room. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? There are definitely worst things in this world, only thing here is that my family felt that to me this would be the worst thing in the world.
I face challenges daily, I assist others with challenges they face daily, I care a lot about the outcome of how these challenges are handled, and I certainly do not see boxes of wood as a challenge. Yet, others see me caring about these boxes, A LOT!! And so, it makes me wonder how I am perceived in this world? And does it matter?
Well, yes it matters. Where does it leave me? Not yelling about wood in my living room, not freaking about the glass left in the sink, not yelling that my laundry doesn't just jump into drawers after it's been washed and folded. It leaves me feeling a bit ashamed and willing to change. [just a little] I will refrain from the screaming not the cleaning. I realize it is my issue not my families. And maybe I will try to approach some other things this way, actually when you think about it most things that make us upset come from some sort of idea in OUR own minds that things should be a certain way. If you really take a look at some recent disagreements or recent disputes it does make sense. Not to say that we should allow unfair or unjust things to occur and we need to compromise our values, we just may need to realize that we see certain things from a specific perspective and that perspective may not be the same as others. And that is ok. That is what makes us, well us.
As I attempt to say goodbye to that mean lady who visits approximately once [ok or 3 or 5 times] a week, I will learn to whistle while I work or do it when no one is home!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Jersey Turnpike, Dr. Seuss and morals.
My last posting was Feb. 17th, I have been a true slacker in this part of my world [sorry]. I won't make excuses [but here they are anyway] I am crazy busy with work, I am trying to run on a consistent basis, I only have approximately 1.0 hours of free time in my life lately and I have spent that time fixed on the television. Yes, television. It has sucked me in. My DVR is full nightly with recordings. So what am I watching? My tv palooza begins on Sunday's [PRIME NIGHT] I watch/DVR Khloe and Lamar (they are so cute together); Californication; House of Lie's; Shameless. I move onto to whatever night American Idol is on (I don't even like many of the contestants this year I just feel obligated to watch). Thursday [here comes the confession] Jersey Shore. By the way Snookie is pregnant! [ I am so worried for that poor baby NOT Snookie the real baby growing inside that body, let's just hope she can stop drinking and smoking for 9 months at least! And I am fearful that if she jersey turnpike's too much that baby will fall right out! So I hope she stops that also.]
These television shows have certainly entertained me and I have to say at times I have even felt guilty for watching and promoting the ratings for each of these shows. However, I keep watching. Anyway, these shows have raised my eyebrows one too many times for me not to talk about the behaviors I see. First, Jersey Shore, these people are making approximately one hundred thousand dollars per episode. They drink, sleep, dance, sleep with each other, eat, drink, party, drink, sleep, dance....you get the point here. They DON'T WORK!!! The story lines in the other shows which are not reality shows, but still the other shows promote all types of horrible behaviors, drug use, lies, sex, alcohol, more sex, more lies, more drug use. Honestly, Khloe and Lamar are angels compared to the other shows I watch! Even when Khloe decked out a bedroom with sex toys including a sex swing! However, they are married and they are not drunk or stoned (I hope)! Ok, American Idol, how could I find something wrong here, well first these people who stand in front of millions of viewers have absolute melt downs and express that this one event in life holds the key to all of their happiness. I am really worried about these people after they get voted off! Yet , I WATCH [ the more I write this stuff the more I want to boycott].
Again I raise the question "what is going on in society?" I mean lately it seems everywhere I look there is crisis, turmoil, immoral behaviors. Teenagers gone wild, adults well sometimes even more wild. Has society lost some sort of brain circuit where we have condoned and allowed our youth and ourselves to accept immoral behaviors as normal? Have we all lost our minds? Is it because of these shows? Is it because life is so stressful people let loose in really bad ways? Am I only noticing all of this because it's posted everywhere we look, or because of my profession or because of my age?
Whatever the reason is, I can only say that I have thought long and hard about what this all means for me as a mom raising my children in this society. One it is my responsibility to teach my children, and two, I can not predict what the future holds for either of them. My sister read me an excerpt from a book that she is reading where the author stated something to the effect that no one would believe that she would turn out to the woman she is today when they looked at her at the age of 14-15 etc...I couldn't agree more. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE would ever predict that my future would be this positive [ looking back there were def. a few weekend night's in my early twenties that I would have been mistaken for a jersey shore cast member...and I have to admitt I have practiced my own version of jersey turnpiking just in case I get the opportunity to go clubbing again!] however, my point here is simply 1. we need to educate our youth [any of the kids we come into contact with] that life should be enjoyed, but we also have to keep our morals and we need to teach those morals. 2. We need to step back and look at our own morals. 3. We need to focus on what our own set of morals are and speak up to others, there is nothing wrong with voicing our opinions! And finally, we can't control others, yes even our children have the right to make their own choices, we can merely give them the tools to make the right decisions.
To use a quote from one of my all time favorite books and in honor of his birthday [late again I know but I had to pay tribute even late as I usually am] You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. by Dr. Seuss
And so I will pass this on to my children and encourage them to make the right decisions each step of the way, I will pass it on to the youth I work with and encourage them to make the right decisions each step of the way. The right decisions, will be the right one's for them. Maybe nothing is wrong with society maybe everything, maybe we just need to change how we look at it? Whatever the answer is I can only say that I will do my part to teach my kids to look over each decision and make the one best for them. OFF to set the DVR!
These television shows have certainly entertained me and I have to say at times I have even felt guilty for watching and promoting the ratings for each of these shows. However, I keep watching. Anyway, these shows have raised my eyebrows one too many times for me not to talk about the behaviors I see. First, Jersey Shore, these people are making approximately one hundred thousand dollars per episode. They drink, sleep, dance, sleep with each other, eat, drink, party, drink, sleep, dance....you get the point here. They DON'T WORK!!! The story lines in the other shows which are not reality shows, but still the other shows promote all types of horrible behaviors, drug use, lies, sex, alcohol, more sex, more lies, more drug use. Honestly, Khloe and Lamar are angels compared to the other shows I watch! Even when Khloe decked out a bedroom with sex toys including a sex swing! However, they are married and they are not drunk or stoned (I hope)! Ok, American Idol, how could I find something wrong here, well first these people who stand in front of millions of viewers have absolute melt downs and express that this one event in life holds the key to all of their happiness. I am really worried about these people after they get voted off! Yet , I WATCH [ the more I write this stuff the more I want to boycott].
Again I raise the question "what is going on in society?" I mean lately it seems everywhere I look there is crisis, turmoil, immoral behaviors. Teenagers gone wild, adults well sometimes even more wild. Has society lost some sort of brain circuit where we have condoned and allowed our youth and ourselves to accept immoral behaviors as normal? Have we all lost our minds? Is it because of these shows? Is it because life is so stressful people let loose in really bad ways? Am I only noticing all of this because it's posted everywhere we look, or because of my profession or because of my age?
Whatever the reason is, I can only say that I have thought long and hard about what this all means for me as a mom raising my children in this society. One it is my responsibility to teach my children, and two, I can not predict what the future holds for either of them. My sister read me an excerpt from a book that she is reading where the author stated something to the effect that no one would believe that she would turn out to the woman she is today when they looked at her at the age of 14-15 etc...I couldn't agree more. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE would ever predict that my future would be this positive [ looking back there were def. a few weekend night's in my early twenties that I would have been mistaken for a jersey shore cast member...and I have to admitt I have practiced my own version of jersey turnpiking just in case I get the opportunity to go clubbing again!] however, my point here is simply 1. we need to educate our youth [any of the kids we come into contact with] that life should be enjoyed, but we also have to keep our morals and we need to teach those morals. 2. We need to step back and look at our own morals. 3. We need to focus on what our own set of morals are and speak up to others, there is nothing wrong with voicing our opinions! And finally, we can't control others, yes even our children have the right to make their own choices, we can merely give them the tools to make the right decisions.
To use a quote from one of my all time favorite books and in honor of his birthday [late again I know but I had to pay tribute even late as I usually am] You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. by Dr. Seuss
And so I will pass this on to my children and encourage them to make the right decisions each step of the way, I will pass it on to the youth I work with and encourage them to make the right decisions each step of the way. The right decisions, will be the right one's for them. Maybe nothing is wrong with society maybe everything, maybe we just need to change how we look at it? Whatever the answer is I can only say that I will do my part to teach my kids to look over each decision and make the one best for them. OFF to set the DVR!
Friday, February 17, 2012
That THING!!!!
In honor of Valentines Day [yeah I am late posting this, I know it's the 17th not the 14th of Feb. traditionally I do things either late or backwards] I decided to write a bit about Love. [Yes, I am actually going to attempt to address this topic.] While it took a very long time [and with a few bumps along the way] I discovered the thing that was missing from my life. This thing was what had held me back, it had a hold on me and I didn't even realize it. This thing was not only self-destructive but it was dangerous. Looking back I can't imagine life that way! This thing was a lack of something, and it wasn't until I crossed the stage to accept my graduate degree diploma from Marywood University that I realized I had been missing something. With all of the people that I love the most gathered to see me accept this degree, I heard my name called and there I was in a crowded arena, accepting a piece of paper that cost an ungodly amount of money, and numerous late nights and every Saturday for three years of my life away from my children. I sat in this crowded arena, I listened to the people speak, I watched people cry with joy I looked into the arena I saw both my mother and father [not often that I see that], and I realized something, I realized that I was really amazing [I am totally not bragging here I will explain].
I married at 18, I dropped out of college [3x's, oops], I had my oldest son at 18, I worked a million horrible jobs, I married and divorced and I was a single mom at a young age, I attempted to provide for my oldest son who lived through all of this with me. I realized at that moment that I beat the odds. I did it! I also fell madly and deeply in love with myself. I had a crazy amount of admiration for myself, and I started to cry. I walked onto the stage and took that piece of paper, but it was so much more than just a piece of paper. It was an acceptance of love for myself. It was the thing. The thing I never knew I had inside myself. The thing that held me back because it wasn't there. I discovered true love.
It has given me the courage to accept true love in others and give back true love to all of those important people in my life. Being resilient, strong and courageous, accepting, nurturing, and truly loving who I am as a person is the greatest gift I received that day. Discovering true love for myself has given me the courage to accomplish many things I never saw possible. I ran my first ½ marathon that same month and when I held my best friends hand and crossed the finish line with tears in my eyes it symbolized a crossroads in my life. I completed two things that I never EVER thought were possible.
So in this season of love, I am asking that you look at yourself. Decide who YOU want to be. Decide how YOU want to live. Decide how YOU will gain that admiration and joy for yourself. Look to yourself for wholeness and completeness. Look to yourself to give you the compliments you deserve. Take care of yourself in order to take care of those you love. Look back into your life and pull out your achievements [they are there even if they are small--they are there], and think how you obtained them, it will give you the best gift you can receive!
Love, it sure is a crazy thing! And sometimes it can be the THING that drives you to accomplish or fail, make you do crazy things or wonderfully crazy things. It is the thing that we can't live without! It is the thing that as parents we give unconditionally and receive unconditionally from our children. It is the thing that we look for each day in our partners. It is the thing that some of us never take the time to give to ourselves. Give it to others, openly accept it from others, but don't forget to give it and accept it from yourself.
I married at 18, I dropped out of college [3x's, oops], I had my oldest son at 18, I worked a million horrible jobs, I married and divorced and I was a single mom at a young age, I attempted to provide for my oldest son who lived through all of this with me. I realized at that moment that I beat the odds. I did it! I also fell madly and deeply in love with myself. I had a crazy amount of admiration for myself, and I started to cry. I walked onto the stage and took that piece of paper, but it was so much more than just a piece of paper. It was an acceptance of love for myself. It was the thing. The thing I never knew I had inside myself. The thing that held me back because it wasn't there. I discovered true love.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Out with the Old!
Yeah for me! Yesterday I received a beautiful new Dooney for Valentines Day. I LOVE IT! He did a wonderful job picking it out. I love purses and my favorite brand is Dooney and Bourke. They hold up over wear and tear like nothing else and they really last forever. The styles change but they are classic and really don't look outdated. [to me anyway] With a new purse or a change in purse comes the worst part of receiving a beautiful gift like this. [no it's not the expected big THANK YOU...Girls you know what I mean. And it's not the dreaded overly excited "WOW --I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS GIFT" thank you. OR the Fake "THANK YOU I LOVE IT" because I really do love it and I am thankful! And Surprised]. It is cleaning out the old purse and switching the items.
I am horrible at organizing my things. Maybe because I have to organize so much for work, maybe because I have self-diagnosed ADHD and I can't stand the tediousness of sitting and viewing the items and I end up throwing away everything [even makeup sometimes just to save myself the loathsome task of going through it]. FITTOBETIED is an understatement when I am going through my things and trying to organize. So, to put a healthy and happy outlook on this process I began to think about the positives.
Positives of being organized in my purse: Here it is --no more shuffling around. No more digging. No more dirty tissues. No more gum wrappers. No more gum wrappers filled with chewed gum from my 8 year old. Gone are 6 ink pens, 3 that did not work, down to 1 that does work. No more loose change. Gone is the empty motrine bottle that I have had for about 3 years and has followed me around in each purse since. Gone is the overstuffed wallet that had way too many business cards and expired health insurance cards and receipts. Gone is the empty check book that I had for months. Gone is the overstuffed makeup bag filled with old shades of lip gloss that I would never be caught dead wearing [hopefully they wouldn't put an out dated shade on me when I couldn't stop them from doing so, I hope my BFF and fashion guru Shannon would prevent that if I died]. And GONE is the CLUTTER!!! Oh WHAT A FEELING!!! FREEDOM! FREE AT LAST!
Cleaning out the junk, moving forward with a clean slate. What a great concept, isn't it? What if it were that easy with everything? I mean how great would it be to write down or say some of the junk in our minds and get rid of it. Guess what [this is a little secret] it is. It is that easy. I have done this myself and it works. The hard part is finding the motivation to do it, and shifting through the right junk to throw away.
I guess my point here is that I have looked in my previous purse a thousand times and thought about how I need to clean it. I have even set time aside to do it and didn't. It wasn't until this new beauty came along that I didn't even take a minute to think about switching and cleaning. MOTIVATION...Find what motivates you and use it. Use it to clean out your junk, take those first few minutes to exercise, clean your house, give your dog a bath [sorry I was making a to do list. oops. back to general terms...] I guess you see my point [I hope you do anyway]. We all have it in us we just need to figure it out and how to use it.
So off I go into the world today, free of clutter, new purse in hand [proud as a peacock too]. And what a feeling...you should try it!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Who is that???
I decided to view my stats for this blog, something I try not to do often because I become obsessed with my stats [as a newbie they aren't always great] While viewing my page to see what I could/should improve on I found something very interesting. Before I state what I found I just wanted to say that for the most part I think about the content of what I will write on here and the meaning it will have to others and what I really want to share. For those of you who may have read some of my posts you probably can tell that my life is beyond busy at times. I really try to put a positive spin on most difficult events in life.
Here it is the thing I find so interesting... the most popular thing on my blog is my profile. My first blog post received 91 page views. That I can see I actually really like that post [not bragging I just liked the peanut butter sandwich analogy] WOW, people actually want to see who is writing this stuff. I guess that is a good thing? I guess I should do the same on the blogs I follow.
Since that profile was so popular I thought I should add some things here that aren't listed in there. First and foremost I am a mom and I love my boys more than anything in this world. I am very happy that God gave me two boys![sorry girls you are just so difficult]. Also, I love my profession I know I am exactly where I am meant to be. I truly care about my job and that makes all the insanity worth it at times. Also, I love my little dog Chase. He was purchased under the assumption that he was a shit zu however, we know he is not a pure bred and I think that has made me love him even more. He has beautiful blue eyes [people often say he looks mean] he is the kindest and most loving dog a person could have. His main goal in life is to please everyone and to play[what a wonderful life! Lucky little guy]. I have a great, thoughtful, kind and loving fiance who puts up with me and that is not exactly the easiest job in the world. I love to exercise, and I especially love to run. I am not the fastest person in the world but I have some stamina and endurance. I have a very caring family and the best friends a person could ask for. I had some major set backs in life however, I have learned from each of my experiences all which have led me to appreciate what I have and all that I have worked for. I like to say that I beat the statistics in life, a young single mom who made it through college and grad school. Anyway, that is me. Oh also I thought I should list some adjectives to better describe myself, here you go:
Joyful; pleasant; bossy; unruly; unconventional; loving; caring; traditional; kind;
humorous; moody; stable; friendly; shy; stylish; frugal; thoughtful; reliable; tardy; unique; ordinary; predictable; courteous; courageous; dependable; . I guess in a nutshell, I am a bit of everything.
Thanks for reading!
Here it is the thing I find so interesting... the most popular thing on my blog is my profile. My first blog post received 91 page views. That I can see I actually really like that post [not bragging I just liked the peanut butter sandwich analogy] WOW, people actually want to see who is writing this stuff. I guess that is a good thing? I guess I should do the same on the blogs I follow.
 |
| Look at me! |
Joyful; pleasant; bossy; unruly; unconventional; loving; caring; traditional; kind;
humorous; moody; stable; friendly; shy; stylish; frugal; thoughtful; reliable; tardy; unique; ordinary; predictable; courteous; courageous; dependable; . I guess in a nutshell, I am a bit of everything.
Thanks for reading!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Good Night???
After a very long day/week/month of work I was feeling completely exhausted. One thing I look forward too is the comfort of my bed, fleece sheets, cozy warmth. I am typically a very sound sleeper. TYPICALLY! However, I ran into some stumbling blocks this week. My fiance has also had some difficult days at work. I suppose this is why his sleep has been so restless [that is me trying to be sympathetic]. One thing that you can count on while I am sleeping is me being downright mean when my sleep is interrupted, it is almost as if I am another person I am horrible![that is me admitting my faults] Sleep this week has been well let me just describe some of this for you: About 12:30 A.M. I finally crash. 12:45 A.M. I am awakened to the sound of blissful snoring, grunting, and to top it off smacking. Real, hardcore lip smacking, deep mouth smacks. I also have to say on my list of pet peeves is smacking lips and mouth noises normally this only occurs during the course of a meal and I have actually had to leave dinner tables due to horrible, disgusting, revolting noises that people make while eating. So, here it is, I just fall asleep, I hear one of the things that makes me insane this ='s me turning into the exorcist! And after numerous attempts to make this ungodly, unbearable noise stop I kick/nudge the blissful sleeping man next to me [in the leg]. This ='s arguing. Here is the argument- "I can't control my sleeping, you shouldn't kick me. You woke me up and I couldn't fall back to sleep". My question here is this " WHAT THE CURSE ABOUT ME"? "I couldn't fall back to sleep! I couldn't make the noise stop! I had to resort to violence to make it stop". [by the way it wasn't a hard kick it was definitely more of nudge!] Wow - Fit to be tied was an understatement here.
The question presented herein is this: Who is right? While it may not have been in his control to stop the concert of disgusting noises it was also not in my control to attempt to make it all stop. I too was awakened out of a sweet slumber and had a difficult time falling back to sleep. Maybe [just maybe] the nudge/ kick should not have occurred. However, what else is a girl to do when she needs a good night's sleep?
I have also been forced to stop and think of how I could get some sort of lesson out of this. And my only lesson here is sometimes two wrongs or even one wrong don't make a right. Sometimes there is no real or true wrong or right and sometimes people have to agree to disagree. And that's ok. Maybe we are both wrong. Maybe only one of us [not me of course...] is wrong [ok, maybe I am]. Sometimes I guess it's ok to say sorry even when feeling not completely at fault. Seeing things from another angle in order to restore our sleep and our friendship and relationship may just be the only thing to do. While I can stand firm on my stance to prove my point of view I can also gently approach this and accept my part in it all.
So I will end with leaving anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings with some things to think about. First, why does there have to be a right or wrong person? Why is it more important to relay a message of being right than accepting the differences among us all and knowing that sometimes we just won't all agree? And lastly some great quotes:
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". ~Paul Boese
"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand". ~Emily Kimbrough
"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness". ~Author Unknown
"The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway". ~Henry Boye
The question presented herein is this: Who is right? While it may not have been in his control to stop the concert of disgusting noises it was also not in my control to attempt to make it all stop. I too was awakened out of a sweet slumber and had a difficult time falling back to sleep. Maybe [just maybe] the nudge/ kick should not have occurred. However, what else is a girl to do when she needs a good night's sleep?
I have also been forced to stop and think of how I could get some sort of lesson out of this. And my only lesson here is sometimes two wrongs or even one wrong don't make a right. Sometimes there is no real or true wrong or right and sometimes people have to agree to disagree. And that's ok. Maybe we are both wrong. Maybe only one of us [not me of course...] is wrong [ok, maybe I am]. Sometimes I guess it's ok to say sorry even when feeling not completely at fault. Seeing things from another angle in order to restore our sleep and our friendship and relationship may just be the only thing to do. While I can stand firm on my stance to prove my point of view I can also gently approach this and accept my part in it all.
So I will end with leaving anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings with some things to think about. First, why does there have to be a right or wrong person? Why is it more important to relay a message of being right than accepting the differences among us all and knowing that sometimes we just won't all agree? And lastly some great quotes:
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future". ~Paul Boese
"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand". ~Emily Kimbrough
"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness". ~Author Unknown
"The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway". ~Henry Boye
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wet Sidewalks
The other morning I dropped my son off at school [late again]. As we were walking [ok running] into the school my foot slipped a bit on the sidewalk. The weather was cold and slightly rainy but there wasn't any snow or even ice - well none that I could see. After entering the building [A.K.A. for rushing into the front doors-not the entrance we usually go through the entrance only the late kids use] I walked [ran] back to my car. I slipped again [and cursed out loud and then I acted like I did not just slip and kept going probably not the best thing to do in front of a school. And I think I laughed just a little out loud. And maybe I looked behind me sort of confused. And I guess I can't leave out that I said out loud "wow it's icy out here" and I probably should not forget to say that there was a crossing guard looking at me like "what is her problem?". And I guess I will tell you that I gave him a "yeah so I slipped and cursed and parked in a no parking spot" look and went on my way]. It was icy out there in spite of how it looked! Ice on the road, ice on the sidewalk. Not exactly what I expected [even though it is January].
After rushing through the rest of my day I was looking forward to walking into my warm and cozy home, having another coffee [I will cut it down from the 8 cups I am up to as soon as I get some more sleep] and making a nice dinner, doing homework with the kids, playing a board game, watching Once Upon A Time with my youngest son and having a quiet night at home. Things were going just as planned the coffee was brewing, the dinner was started, and homework was put on the table in a very organized fashion [I was right on track]. I called to my youngest son to come and start the work. After arguing for an extended period of time we started. We started, we argued, we struggled, he cried. He ended up in his room on a timeout for 5 minutes, the coffee didn't taste as good afterwards, I over boiled the pasta, my older son was aggravated [what the curse happened to my plans?]
Earlier during the day someone I recently met revealed to me that they received some horrible news this same day from some tests they had done at the doctors. This test revealed an aggressive and rare form of cancer. Young-seemingly healthy, great person [why the curse does curse like this happen to good people]? For the first time in a long time I had no words. I couldn't come up with anything to say at all, and so that is what I said, "I am sorry I don't know what to say". I couldn't stop thinking about my lack of ability to respond appropriately to this. And it bothered me. All of this bothered me. What didn't bother me was what this person told me. Simply stated the response to this life changing news was " I know the diagnosis. I can't change it. I have to focus on what to do next". The strength, the wisdom!! I couldn't believe my ears, and my heart hurt with both admiration and sorrow. I felt so lucky at that moment to have been given such a wonderful gift of learning how to face something like this with that kind of attitude.
While I sat alone for the 5 minutes while my son was in timeout, I couldn't help but to think about the fact that I was mad about over boiled pasta, late dinner, and an 8 year old that didn't want to do homework after 6 hours of school [wow, what the curse is my problem?] I stopped and looked at each of the problems, and I focused on my next move, we ate, we did homework, we played our game, we watched our television show. It worked. Step by step, it worked.
I guess sometimes in life unexpected and sometimes tragic things may occur in our lives. Sometimes these things may creep up on us out of the blue, and sometimes they may be very apparent yet just enough that we miss it sort of like those wet sidewalks which turned out to be icy. I guess sometimes the best way to face the unexpected is to look at what our next move is after the unexpected comes our way. Once again I was reminded to look at things from another perspective. Once again I learned a great lesson in life. I am still very sad over this news and I still can't help but to feel sorrow in my heart. Yet, the next time I have to face some sad news I know I will remember the wise advise of a very brave person.
After rushing through the rest of my day I was looking forward to walking into my warm and cozy home, having another coffee [I will cut it down from the 8 cups I am up to as soon as I get some more sleep] and making a nice dinner, doing homework with the kids, playing a board game, watching Once Upon A Time with my youngest son and having a quiet night at home. Things were going just as planned the coffee was brewing, the dinner was started, and homework was put on the table in a very organized fashion [I was right on track]. I called to my youngest son to come and start the work. After arguing for an extended period of time we started. We started, we argued, we struggled, he cried. He ended up in his room on a timeout for 5 minutes, the coffee didn't taste as good afterwards, I over boiled the pasta, my older son was aggravated [what the curse happened to my plans?]
Earlier during the day someone I recently met revealed to me that they received some horrible news this same day from some tests they had done at the doctors. This test revealed an aggressive and rare form of cancer. Young-seemingly healthy, great person [why the curse does curse like this happen to good people]? For the first time in a long time I had no words. I couldn't come up with anything to say at all, and so that is what I said, "I am sorry I don't know what to say". I couldn't stop thinking about my lack of ability to respond appropriately to this. And it bothered me. All of this bothered me. What didn't bother me was what this person told me. Simply stated the response to this life changing news was " I know the diagnosis. I can't change it. I have to focus on what to do next". The strength, the wisdom!! I couldn't believe my ears, and my heart hurt with both admiration and sorrow. I felt so lucky at that moment to have been given such a wonderful gift of learning how to face something like this with that kind of attitude.
While I sat alone for the 5 minutes while my son was in timeout, I couldn't help but to think about the fact that I was mad about over boiled pasta, late dinner, and an 8 year old that didn't want to do homework after 6 hours of school [wow, what the curse is my problem?] I stopped and looked at each of the problems, and I focused on my next move, we ate, we did homework, we played our game, we watched our television show. It worked. Step by step, it worked.
I guess sometimes in life unexpected and sometimes tragic things may occur in our lives. Sometimes these things may creep up on us out of the blue, and sometimes they may be very apparent yet just enough that we miss it sort of like those wet sidewalks which turned out to be icy. I guess sometimes the best way to face the unexpected is to look at what our next move is after the unexpected comes our way. Once again I was reminded to look at things from another perspective. Once again I learned a great lesson in life. I am still very sad over this news and I still can't help but to feel sorrow in my heart. Yet, the next time I have to face some sad news I know I will remember the wise advise of a very brave person.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Finish Line
Well, I am back and blogging. I have taken some time away from my computer to enjoy my family over the holidays and also to get caught up on work (the kind of work that actually pays me something). I have started my training for a half marathon. Let me tell you it is not easy getting back into a regular workout schedule. Also, I am proud to announce that I have started my book. It is so exciting! I can't wait to finish it and see what happens.
Now that I am back in the blog world I have a million ideas running through my mind of what to post first. I have decided to talk about what I will work on for this year. Every year I decide to re-evaluate my spending, quite bad habits, run harder, train harder, be a better mom, give my job 110%, organize my life, be a better partner in my relationship, be a better friend, pay off some bills, etc..I try to give it my all in every aspect. Sometimes, I get to all of it, and sometimes I don't. This year for the most part, I have set the same goals and I look forward to working on all of them.
I recently read an article about living in the now. A mind set that reminds me a lot of AA. Concentrate on the moment, getting through minute by minute, day by day. In the article there was reference to a book about a long distance runner who reported that during long runs it was not helpful to look at how far he had gone or how far he has to go but simply at where he was at the moment. This is so true. When I am on a longer run if I think about the future I loose it, if I loose myself in that moment I am fine. Yet, I can't help but to think about how this whole thought process could lead to dormancy in other situations. Why wouldn't we look forward to set goals and work hard to achieve them? Isn't it good to look at what we want in order to get accomplish things? I mean even on a long run we have a set a goal for distance and time. When I was in school for my MSW, I did concentrate on that semester, however, if I didn't plan ahead for the future I would have no reason to keep going, or to even start for that matter.
For me one of the best feelings after a long run is the sense of accomplishment. The finish line. Looking back and evaluating how I came to the finish line, how I could do it differently next time, and how well I did this time. The thrill of crossing the line is what helps me to complete the run when I feel like giving in. I look forward to looking forward. I believe in the now. I believe it helps overcome many obstacles, however to me the outcome can be so good how could you not look at it?
And so, I look forward to looking forward. I also look forward to loosing myself in the moment when I need to do so. I guess my overall thoughts here are do what works and don't give in or give up. Set goals and work hard to cross the finish line! This time of year is the time when most of us think of how we will live life differently, and so think about it, and do it. Think about the fun of the outcome, think about the difficulty along the way, think about how you will handle the difficult times, but most of all think about just changing that one thing that bugs you the most about yourself. Do it for you. And those who mean the most and will be there to watch you achieve the best. Don't give up even when you feel like it, and maybe that 's where the moment by moment, minute by minute, day by day will be best served, then look back and look ahead.
Looking back at my year and thinking about my accomplishments as well as my failures, I can't help but to think WOW did I do that? [in a good way] And ok a little of [What the curse was I thinking?] After all is said and done, I am proud to walk away from last year with a peanut butter sandwich some dirty magazines and a scary elf in my attic. After all it is up to me to decide how I view my past year. And that 's exactly how I will end it.
Now that I am back in the blog world I have a million ideas running through my mind of what to post first. I have decided to talk about what I will work on for this year. Every year I decide to re-evaluate my spending, quite bad habits, run harder, train harder, be a better mom, give my job 110%, organize my life, be a better partner in my relationship, be a better friend, pay off some bills, etc..I try to give it my all in every aspect. Sometimes, I get to all of it, and sometimes I don't. This year for the most part, I have set the same goals and I look forward to working on all of them.
I recently read an article about living in the now. A mind set that reminds me a lot of AA. Concentrate on the moment, getting through minute by minute, day by day. In the article there was reference to a book about a long distance runner who reported that during long runs it was not helpful to look at how far he had gone or how far he has to go but simply at where he was at the moment. This is so true. When I am on a longer run if I think about the future I loose it, if I loose myself in that moment I am fine. Yet, I can't help but to think about how this whole thought process could lead to dormancy in other situations. Why wouldn't we look forward to set goals and work hard to achieve them? Isn't it good to look at what we want in order to get accomplish things? I mean even on a long run we have a set a goal for distance and time. When I was in school for my MSW, I did concentrate on that semester, however, if I didn't plan ahead for the future I would have no reason to keep going, or to even start for that matter.
For me one of the best feelings after a long run is the sense of accomplishment. The finish line. Looking back and evaluating how I came to the finish line, how I could do it differently next time, and how well I did this time. The thrill of crossing the line is what helps me to complete the run when I feel like giving in. I look forward to looking forward. I believe in the now. I believe it helps overcome many obstacles, however to me the outcome can be so good how could you not look at it?
And so, I look forward to looking forward. I also look forward to loosing myself in the moment when I need to do so. I guess my overall thoughts here are do what works and don't give in or give up. Set goals and work hard to cross the finish line! This time of year is the time when most of us think of how we will live life differently, and so think about it, and do it. Think about the fun of the outcome, think about the difficulty along the way, think about how you will handle the difficult times, but most of all think about just changing that one thing that bugs you the most about yourself. Do it for you. And those who mean the most and will be there to watch you achieve the best. Don't give up even when you feel like it, and maybe that 's where the moment by moment, minute by minute, day by day will be best served, then look back and look ahead.
Looking back at my year and thinking about my accomplishments as well as my failures, I can't help but to think WOW did I do that? [in a good way] And ok a little of [What the curse was I thinking?] After all is said and done, I am proud to walk away from last year with a peanut butter sandwich some dirty magazines and a scary elf in my attic. After all it is up to me to decide how I view my past year. And that 's exactly how I will end it.
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