Sunday, August 28, 2011

Taking another look.

So what if I woke up at 6:00 A.M. on Sunday morning after not sleeping well, and so what if I woke up my very sound sleeping Fiancé at 6:00A.M. to tell him the power was out. Really, was it that bad?

This morning we woke [Ok, I woke up first and felt the need to wake up everyone in my reach, and it just happened to be him] to the effects of hurricane Irene passing through. I know that I could not compare to those who have been stranded, relocated, evacuated, hurt, or who have suffered tragedy in any sense of the word and my sincere thoughts and prayers go out to all. BUT, waking up and not having power to me was a tragedy. How would I do my hair, where would there be enough light to put on makeup, how was I going to make the pot of chili that I have been so hungry for but because of the warm weather haven't made? What about my computer? I actually can't go on the Internet? And let's not forget the coffee. WHY GOD WHY???? These are just some of the many random horrible thoughts that were going through my mind as I woke which truly is why I decided it was necessary to wake up my Fiancé and tell him. After all for most things in this world he has a solution, so why not this one? And he did as he opened his eyes slowly and looked at me saying " Really, you are waking me to tell me we don't have power? Wouldn't it be better to keep sleeping and then we wouldn't realize until a bit later"? And he actually laughed a little at me. I will be the first to admit that if he had done this same thing to me I would be "Fit To Be Tied", no laughter at all. More like yelling, cursing and anger. I can't stand being disturbed while sleeping. I can't even stand waking to my alarm in the morning. Anyone who has tried to wake me while I am sleeping knows it is a VERY VERY BAD thing.

What would we do all day? It was not a kid weekend [my 7 year old son see's his father every other weekend and his children see theirs every other weekend, their dad is my Fiancé this all ='s a combination of 4 children ranging in age from 17-7 every other weekend, therefore this was a kid free weekend]. Usually kid free weekend's include, sleeping in, running, estate sales, drinks at the pool, lunch and or dinner and sometimes movies. Today there would be no movies, no dinner, no travel, no electricity, no [ok, I won't go on like that anymore]. After about a 1/2 hour of my insanity he looked at me and said [here comes the real solution, he is so good at that] " We will go and see if there is power anywhere that sells coffee and we will get a coffee". One problem here, "I can't go out like this", I had eyeliner smears, cutoff sweats, a t-shirt, flip flops, and a God awful mess on top of my head that I sometimes call hair. After some convincing I went, and I actually went into the store and I got my coffee. So, after hours  [at least with caffeine in my body] power was back. And I am a happy girl again. A bit tired but happy. As for him, 4:30 in the afternoon and sleeping like a baby.

Many days I do not even turn the television on if I am home alone. And I don't always feel like I have to get on my computer. But today because I couldn't I wanted it. I wanted all of it. This relates to the theory that we humans always want what we can't have. The guy who dumped us seemed so awesome after we broke up and all those phone calls that were ignored turned into strong lust and desires to just get one more chance, often when I would get this chance I would realize "we really don't click" and eventually I could less if I ever saw him again. And let's not stop with the guys who either eventually seemed to have no lips, or too big of lips, or dressed in the wrong jeans, or chewed with his mouth open, or wore gray pants and brown shoes [sorry, but that is kind of funny] how about  the food? The double chocolate cake that we know we can't eat, but when we tell ourselves we can't eat it, we have to. I actually dream of it. I can't live without it! When I give in and buy it, I eat 1 piece and I end up throwing the rest because I forget it's there.

As I sit here without the lights on, even though I can easily turn them on, and I turn the television off because the volume is so loud that it bothers me, and I did finally shower and put makeup on, without anyone here to notice, I can't help but to think " I am happy with what I have". Time for Chili! I am just saying...

P.S. Please send thoughts and prayers to all of those who have been impacted so tragically in this storm! Stay Safe!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Very First Blog

My very first posting should be something spectacular and meaningful. I have a lot of stuff running through this mind, I have so many ideas for posts that I can't wait to share. Deciding on my first is difficult [random thoughts at this moment include. I hope people read this. I hope I am spelling correctly o yeah I have a spell check.  Bees- no that's a story I want to save for a rainy day. Life, relationships, fashion. How I picked out my outfit today - maybe I should change? No- just focus]. 

So, here it first topic! Peanut Butter Sandwiches!!!

Two pieces of whole grain bread, some peanut butter, a plate, a butter knife, a paper towel, not even 2 minutes of my time. Unless of course this one sandwich is being made while making two other's. And this one sandwich leads to making this same sandwich every evening after dinner is cooked, cleared, cleaned, kitchen is cleaned (I have managed to get this system down and have it all done on a good day in 1 hour- not including cooking times), homework for my youngest son is completed for the next day (which includes games to help him focus and motivate which may or may not include me jumping across tiles in my kitchen - yeah I know that's crazy but it works), coffee is made and pre-set for the morning. Then it's sandwich time, everyone has a specific sandwich they will only eat for example (ham cheese no mayo, turkey cheese mustard,  turkey cheese mayo only or sometimes peanut butter and jelly and of course the peanut butter only) and it's 9:00 and I still have at least an hour before the house resumes to some sort of sanity. Just so I can crash and feel the burn from the entire day of non-stop motion.

This sandwich I am referring too, began one evening when I yelled into the living room over three televisions in three different rooms blasting three different T.V. shows to my Fiancé" do you want a sandwich for work tomorrow".  Of course his response was "sure, I'll have a peanut butter sandwich, no jelly, just peanut butter". From that day forward most morning's before work, he checks the refrigerator for his peanut butter sandwich. When there isn't one there, and sometimes there is not, he asks "did you make a sandwich, I'm Just Checking".  The first few times I forgot to make the sandwich for numerous reasons, I am human, I do forget things. I lived with this guilt during the day often asking myself what the big deal was about making the sandwich, the guilt soon moved on to a little anger. " It's a sandwich, why can't he make it himself?' Escalating myself into a true anger and feeling totally "FIT TO BE TIED"!

After living with this anger, we had the sandwich discussion. Yes, a true heart to heart about this sandwich [we are both therapists talking is what we do, even over sandwiches. Some really good conversations included the Paper Towel Brand discussion, the Over or Under Toilette Paper incident, and one of my favorites The Parmesan Cheese situation]. Only to discover almost an entire year later that the reason he asks, is so he doesn't hurt my feelings! WHAT? REALLY? And I could add some curses here...but I won't. The reason being as he states, I have made a sandwich that he has not taken. And I have said, " you didn't take your sandwich today" [I feel it's not a big deal I just wanted him to know I made the dumb thing and he forgot it]. Leading him to feeling badly because he forgot it. Now, some of that I believe, some of it, I don't. I still believe he expected there to be a wonderful, fulfilling, tasty peanut butter sandwich made with love and kisses every day, even if he forgot to take it. But, at any rate. Miscommunication! IT'S A SANDWICH!!! How could this sandwich lead to this?

Here is how this bread and peanut butter has made a big deal in my relationship and spiraled into my life. Expectations. I am writing because, that one sandwich made me think about how expectations form. How as a mom, a friend, a wife, a Fiancé, a husband, a boyfriend, a girlfriend [you get the picture] we place expectations on others, and when sometimes those expectations aren't fulfilled, we get angry, sad, disappointed. I have heard a famous psychologist state that it is when expectations are not met , problems in relationships occur, therefore we should lower our expectations or change our expectations. Is that healthy? Is that even fair to ourselves? I have also heard that expectations raise self-esteem, give us something to strive towards, build our confidence and make us better people in general.

Expectations in general aren't bad, they can lead to great things. Should we stop expecting, should we just accept things good or bad? Should we lower expectations? I really don't think I am someone who could that. What I can do is realize, sometimes a sandwich is just a sandwich. And having some expectations on me is good I am needed and wanted. And sometimes, not that often but sometimes,  I don't want to make the sandwich! I just don't want to play the homework game, I just don't want to argue over what time to be in the house after hanging with friends, I don't want to clean, do laundry, cook, etc...but I do all of it. And someday I won't, because if all of this goes well, the boys will function on their own, and their expectations of me will shift to something else. And all that will be left to make is one sandwich in the evening and hopefully if all goes well, it will be two pieces of bread and peanut butter, no jelly. Maybe, I just need to enjoy it all while it lasts (esp. after all the work is done at the end of the day). I'm just saying...