School vs. Class

It sure has been a long time since my last post, time sure does fly--- sometimes way too quickly.
 
Since my last post my oldest son graduated high school and turned 18.  My mom brought him a card today, and she brought me a clipping from a magazine [she does that sometimes and I don't know if she realizes how much it means, it shows she is thinking of me even if we haven't talked to each other or seen each other for a few days].  The clipping from the magazine titled "940 Saturdays" stated that there are 940 Saturdays from the day our children are born until their 18th birthday [from no regrets parenting by Harley Rotbart, MD].  I can't believe I have only had 940 Saturdays with my son.  This raises so so so many things in my mind.  At first I have to say that I was thrilled at the idea that he was legally an adult in the state of Pennsylvania[FREE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST]. Until I realized, this is sad, really sad. I want a re-do.  I want to go back and start over.  I don't want him to be 18, or even 8 for that matter.  I want him to be newborn again all 4 pounds of his skinny bird like legs and wide brown eyes.  I want him to be a baby again...but he can't.  And I don't get my re-do.  It is a very difficult transition.  More so than I ever thought possible.  I didn't believe that it would be so hard.  I actually prided myself on his independence.  I actually believed I would have many different emotions surrounding this time, sadness was one I did not count on.

Anyway, how does time get ahead of us this quickly, so many of us count days until the weekends, count days until vacation, count days until the last or first day of school.  Wishing time away.  I do it.  But seeing that number "940" makes me think twice about doing so.  In fact, I am going to make it a true effort NOT to do so. 

Leading to my second point here, while our children make transitions and meet all of their age appropriate milestones, take a minute to notice and remind them to do so also.  I bring this up because as I sat in the same stadium where I graduated high school from, watching him sit on the same field that I did, I realized I couldn't remember where I sat at my own graduation. I didn't remember the speaches, I didn't remember my reactions afterwards, I do remember some other parts of that warm June night, but I couldn't remember every detail and I wanted to and I tried but I couldn't.  Making me realize how even when we try to keep very important events in our minds it is easy to forget. And making it more sad, I realized that someday I might not remember every detail of his graduation.

  I also thought about how this day changed my son in so many ways.  It changed both of us.  I now have to remind him not to stay up too late because he will have "class" in the morning versus telling him to go to bed because he won't be able to get up for school.  I will now have to ask him how his classes are going, and I won't exactly know who the teachers/professors are and I certainly won't have parent teacher conferences.  He won't have to ask me to sign papers, or tests, or permisson slips.  School vs. Class - it sure does change a lot.  Doesn't it?

BUT, I also have news for him, 18 years ago on a very warm June day, I took on a job that I can never quit.  I may not be needed to sign permisson slips, but I am still here.  Just as my mom has proven to me that she thinks of me even when we aren't together, I will always find a way to do the same for him.  And who knows, maybe someday I will be clipping articles that remind me of him and drop them off at his house.  NOT that I am counting the days until that happens. For now I am grateful that I will have some more of those Saturdays to tack on to our number of the amount of days that we live together.

Happy Mother's Day!

So, it has been a while since my last post.  Let me catch you up to date with my life.  First, I am now officially an LSW.  A licensed social worker in the state of Pennsylvania!  Second, I completed my 1/2 marathon.  Also, my family had a wonderful trip to Disney and my son received First Holy Communion.  Now, I am preparing my oldest son's graduation and party (yeah he made it)...  So with all that going on I haven't had much time to write.  However, here I am again!  First line of business is Mother's Day. 

I woke up this morning before everyone else, I pre-set my coffee maker last night so it was ready for me.  Standing in front of the coffee maker was a card [I will come back to this].  I sat and read my local paper [I cried about 4 times within this half hour time frame over articles within the paper] and then for some reason one of my best friends popped into my mind.  [ HOLY Sh-- I am the most horrible friend in the entire world! I freaking forgot about her daughter's birthday party!  I didn't even respond to it!  WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I?????]  I would have called her at that moment but it was 7:00AM.  So I am writing it here.  " Kelly, I am so sorry.  You are always there when it counts the most and I didn't even have the mind to call you about your child's birthday!  I am so sorry!!!!" Leading me to think about all of my friends.  I know I have written about them all before, but on mother's day I think I need to acknowledge them again.  See when you grow up with each other as we all have done each one of us has been a mom to each other at one point in our lives and I am grateful and thankful for each of them!  Happy Mother's Day to you all!!!
 
Yesterday my fiance asked me about 20 times what I wanted to do in honor of my special day.  Each response I gave was "it's not a big deal, it's not a big day. It's an ordinary Sunday so we don't need to do anything!"  My plan for today was to catch up on the fun things in life -- start off with a run, do some laundry, maybe some yard work and maybe watching some of my recorded t.v. shows visiting with my mom, dinner with my boys at home and even doing my nails (a simple day).  I don't need dinner in a crowded restaurant, I don't expensive gifts, I don't need anything big!  While sometimes his planning drives me crazy [sorry it does!] it also shows me how much he cares!  And actually his asking is gift enough.  Knowing he cares enough to drive us both crazy is the gift.

 I got something big anyway!  That card in front of the coffee maker [the very first place I go in the morning.  Something only someone who has lived and spent a lot of time with me would know] was from my oldest son.  The boy who is always short on words [unless he is asking for or to do something] the boy who I have to pull words out of, the boy who in just a little over a  month will be legally a man, the boy who I have anguished over and prayed a million prayers for and worried about like you wouldn't believe [I guess you get the point here, he was a difficult teenager!] Left this card for me [on his own]. The card was perfect and simple and he even wrote in it.  And I won't reveal what he wrote but I will just say in his own words he proved to me that I have done my job! [ HOLY S--t he does love me, and he does get it! I am a good mom!!!]  I got my BIG DAY!!! 

Also, my youngest son ran out of school on Friday with a framed gift for me. It was a poem his teacher had him frame.  It was a poem that of course made me cry but what was even better than the poem was the piece of ripped paper that was attached to the outside of it with tape that was dirty and crinkled, reading " p.s. I LOVE YOU".  Again, a sign that my son had to add a little something on his own.  And that was all I needed for mother's day.  Two "I love yous"!!! As a mom of boy's I have to admit that I have found myself worried that they will grow up, get married, and move on to their significant others and only visit in passing.  And that may be the case, however, at least I will have memories of days like this where I know that they love me and I did my best for both of them. 

This morning one of the articles that made me cry was written by Maria Heck and she quoted a song from Kenny Chesney.  I don't listen to country music but it seems like this song referenced not blinking because if you do your children are grown and gone.  Well, it does seem as though that happens.  I know I would be richer [monetary], I know I would have had an easier life, I know I would have all the time in the world to enjoy things just for myself, but for me as a mom none of that stuff would matter as much without my boys! 

And last but certainly not least, my mom...We went to Disney together and it has been the longest time I spent with her non-stop in a very very long time.  My mom was an unconventional parent [sorry mom you were] but she also taught me very important life lessons.  Most importantly the thing I love the most about my mom is how we laugh together.  Thanks to my mom for a wonderful vacation and helping to make memories with my son's!!! And as always thanks to my mom for some wonderful laughs!!!

So today, take some time to laugh, to remember those important people in your life, to say thanks, to allow yourself to receive praise and thanks and to make some great memories...And while it all goes by so quickly it leaves behind the best times of our lives!  Happy Mother's Day!!!

Does it really work???

As any of us who are parents of children who are old enough to watch any of the cable children's television network channels know "as seen on TV" items are HOT!  You can make slushy's in a magic cup with magic cubes, you can turn your bathtub into a jello arena, you can put a magic screen on your windows and doors, you can get an amazing DVD set to watch lots and lots of jets and planes for a whole two hours, you can remove hair from any item on your body with a magic wand/glove/tool, you can give yourself air brushed nails with the magic of a special non-airbrush tool, you can wrap yourself in a body sized blanket, you can wrap your hair in a special towel when you get out of the shower, you can make giant sized cupcakes big enough to be an entire cake, and basically anything you can add the word magic onto or after or in front of turns into a magic oasis of JUNK!  Guess what, I have purchased some of these items [ you may ask what the (blank) is wrong with her? Or you may be saying "me too"]. 

As I am a Christian and I celebrate Easter, the Easter bunny decided to bring my entire family the magic cup and cubes that turn any drink into a slushy.  Guess what IT WORKED!!! It really does turn any drink into a slushy.  Except the slushy doesn't last very long, and the cubes can be punctured easily so I suggest taking them out of the cup before you allow an overly excited child to push the magic spoon straw into the cup [ he didn't break the cubes because my anxiety wouldn't allow him to do it, but my anxiety also allowed me to see the worst and prevent it before it happened].  Anyway, here I sat pouring every kind of liquid we had that was drinkable for an underage child into the magic machine and of course it made me wonder "what the blank is wrong with me?" "Did I really spend 100.00 dollars on 5 of these magic machines when I have a blender that crushes ice sitting on the very counter that I have now turned into a magic slushy counter"? And the answer is, yes I did. And I can diagnosis most people but I still have no idea what is wrong with me.

Magic drinks lead me to think about a few things, first it did work.  It worked in many ways, it made my youngest and even oldest son very happy, and it made a great memory for all of us in our kitchen on Easter Monday.  It worked to make us laugh, make us smile when they worked make us laugh about different mixtures and sure we could have used the blender, and yeah I could have bought 1 vs. 5 and had the kids share, but even if it didn't work it helped us to spend time together. 

Each day I go through my morning routines such as morning showers, breakfast, school checklists, making beds, etc...each day I teach my sons different daily things that they will need to do on their own someday making beds, getting in and out of the shower dressing themselves in decent matching clothes, pouring cereal, watching the time to get to where we need to be on time etc... And each day that my youngest son does one of these things on his own without help, or my oldest son who is up, dressed, fed, smelling and looking like a million bucks (sometimes less than a million but he is a senior this year) yells from the other room "BYE MOM" I am both proud, and sad.  I am happy and scared.  I am lonely and overwhelmed by my lists.  I am confused and the most organized. I also realize that my job will someday be less and less, and that even when my days seem endless and nothing makes anyone happy and all I can do to get a moment of rest is hide in the bathroom with the door locked for a minute, that it will all end someday if I have done my job correctly. 

So for those of you who think I am crazy for purchasing a pet that grows disgusting herbs, or a light that turns on and off when you clap I might be.  But they did work because each gave me and my kids things to do with each other.  I am not saying you or we needed to run out and buy these over priced things in order to spend time together, you can make slushy's in the blender, you can plant flowers in the yard, you can supplement the stuff and make it less expensive but for us it worked.  I guess what I am saying is that when my 8 year old came to me as proud as could be with a bed that he made on his own, and as I sat as the passenger next to my oldest son in the car and we all laughed over our imperfect slushy's I realized how grateful I was for those stupid drinks and each moment I had with both of them.  I guess I am just saying how grateful I am for each of those moments and how quickly it goes by.  [wait let me get my magic slushy drink to hold in the air] Here is to each moment of each day that we have with our kids.  Time moves so quickly!

Lot's of Wood!

We decided to do some remodeling and are going to have new hardwood floors installed [good bye ugly carpet and white and navy tile!] So, the guys dropped off the wood so it could get acclimated to the house.  Prior to this, my Saturday morning consisted of some long ranting about how dirty and dusty the house is. [some people have said that our home is far from dirty, however, I admit I have some serious issues with over-doing it on the house cleaning. I will also admit after I have cleaned often the smell of bleach will linger off of my hands for days.  I have issues, I know] Anyone who has lived with me knows that a glass in the sink, a dust ball in the corner of a floor, dog hair on carpet or anywhere things are out of place can set me into a spiralling furry of misery.  I become another person with an overwhelming need to clean.  I can't explain how happy I am when I know everything is in it's place and I can sit back and enjoy my home. 

Ok, enough about that nonsense [that's me avoiding further discussion about my cleaning habits] and on to the wood. So, I was in one of those frenzies this weekend and after scrubbing the house I moved onto putting clothes away which lead to  pulling clothes out of my youngest son's room, clothes that he could no longer fit in and filling a bag to give these clothes away when my oldest son came in with the look of either just having done something horrible, or witnessing something horrible.  He looked at me with a smirk, then carefully did not make eye contact and said "did you see the mess down there?"  My response was "I can't look! Wait how bad is it? Are they ripping things apart?" Then he quietly said "you will have to look for yourself".  And so I finished putting the clothes in the bag [another issue---I can't leave anything unfinished] I marched down the stairs and looked in the living room.  There in a neat pile off to the side sat about 20 boxes of wood.  [what the heck was this boy talking about?] There really wasn't a mess.  There were a lot of boxes in our living room, but far from a mess.  And it hit me, just like a wooden board to the head, I AM INSANE!  Everyone was fearful of my response to these boards.  Everyone was worried I would have a melt down over some boxes piled in our living room.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? There are definitely worst things in this world, only thing here is that my family felt that to me this would be the worst thing in the world. 

I face challenges daily, I assist others with challenges they face daily, I care a lot about the outcome of how these challenges are handled, and I certainly do not see boxes of wood as a challenge. Yet, others see me caring about these boxes, A LOT!! And so, it makes me wonder how I am perceived in this world?  And does it matter?

Well, yes it matters.  Where does it leave me?  Not yelling about wood in my living room, not freaking about the glass left in the sink, not yelling that my laundry doesn't just jump into drawers after it's been washed and folded.  It leaves me feeling a bit ashamed and willing to change. [just a little] I will refrain from the screaming not the cleaning.  I realize it is my issue not my families. And maybe I will try to approach some other things this way, actually when you think about it most things that make us upset come from some sort of idea in OUR own minds that things should be a certain way. If you really take a look at some recent disagreements or recent disputes it does make sense.  Not to say that we should allow unfair or unjust things to occur and we need to compromise our values, we just may need to realize that we see certain things from a specific perspective and that perspective may not be the same as others.  And that is ok.  That is what makes us, well us.   

As I attempt to say goodbye to that mean lady who visits approximately once [ok or 3 or 5 times] a week, I will learn to whistle while I work or do it when no one is home!

Jersey Turnpike, Dr. Seuss and morals.

My last posting was Feb. 17th, I have been a true slacker in this part of my world [sorry].  I won't make excuses [but here they are anyway] I am crazy busy with work, I am trying to run on a consistent basis, I only have approximately 1.0 hours of free time in my life lately and I have spent that time fixed on the television.  Yes, television.  It has sucked me in.  My DVR is full nightly with recordings.  So what am I watching? My tv palooza begins on Sunday's [PRIME NIGHT] I watch/DVR Khloe and Lamar (they are so cute together); Californication; House of Lie's; Shameless.  I move onto to whatever night American Idol is on (I don't even like many of the contestants this year I just feel obligated to watch).  Thursday [here comes the confession] Jersey Shore. By the way Snookie is pregnant! [ I am so worried for that poor baby NOT Snookie the real baby growing inside that body, let's just hope she can stop drinking and smoking for 9 months at least! And I am fearful that if she jersey turnpike's too much that baby will fall right out! So I hope she stops that also.]

These television shows have certainly entertained me and I have to say at times I have even felt guilty for watching and promoting the ratings for each of these shows.  However, I keep watching. Anyway, these shows have raised my eyebrows one too many times for me not to talk about the behaviors I see.  First, Jersey Shore, these people are making approximately one hundred thousand dollars per episode.  They drink, sleep, dance, sleep with each other, eat, drink, party, drink, sleep, dance....you get the point here.  They DON'T WORK!!! The story lines in the other shows which are not reality shows, but still the other shows promote all types of horrible behaviors, drug use, lies, sex, alcohol, more sex, more lies, more drug use.  Honestly, Khloe and Lamar are angels compared to the other shows I watch! Even when Khloe decked out a bedroom with sex toys including a sex swing!  However, they are married and  they are not drunk or stoned (I hope)! Ok, American Idol, how could I find something wrong here, well first these people who stand in front of millions of viewers have absolute melt downs and express that this one event in life holds the key to all of their happiness.  I am really worried about these people after they get voted off!  Yet , I WATCH [ the more I write this stuff the more I want to boycott].

Again I raise the question "what is going on in society?" I mean lately it seems everywhere I look there is crisis, turmoil, immoral behaviors.  Teenagers gone wild, adults well sometimes even more wild.  Has society lost some sort of brain circuit where we have condoned and allowed our youth and ourselves to accept immoral behaviors as normal? Have we all lost our minds? Is it because of these shows? Is it because life is so stressful people let loose in really bad ways? Am I only noticing all of this because it's posted everywhere we look, or because of my profession or because of my age? 

Whatever the reason is, I can only say that I have thought long and hard about what this all means for me as a mom raising my children in this society.  One it is my responsibility to teach my children, and two, I can not predict what the future holds for either of them.  My sister read me an excerpt from a book that she is reading where the author stated something to the effect that no one would believe that she would turn out to the woman she is today when they looked at her at the age of 14-15 etc...I couldn't agree more.  NO ONE and I mean NO ONE would ever predict that my future would be this positive [ looking back there were def. a few weekend night's in my early twenties that I would have been mistaken for a jersey shore cast member...and I have to admitt I have practiced my own version of jersey turnpiking just in case I get the opportunity to go clubbing again!] however, my point here is simply 1. we need to educate our youth [any of the kids we come into contact with] that life should be enjoyed, but we also have to keep our morals and we need to teach those morals. 2. We need to step back and look at our own morals.  3. We need to focus on what our own set of morals are and speak up to others, there is nothing wrong with voicing our opinions! And finally, we can't control others, yes even our children have the right to make their own choices, we can merely give them the tools to make the right decisions. 

To use a quote from one of my all time favorite books and in honor of his birthday [late again I know but I had to pay tribute even late as I usually am] You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. by Dr. Seuss

And so I will pass this on to my children and encourage them to make the right decisions each step of the way, I will pass it on to the youth I work with and encourage them to make the right decisions each step of the way.  The right decisions, will be the right one's for them.  Maybe nothing is wrong with society maybe everything, maybe we just need to change how we look at it? Whatever the answer is I can only say that I will do my part to teach my kids to look over each decision and make the one best for them.  OFF to set the DVR!

That THING!!!!

 In honor of  Valentines Day [yeah I am late posting this, I know it's the 17th not the 14th of Feb. traditionally I do things either late or backwards] I decided to write a bit about Love.  [Yes, I am actually going to attempt to address this topic.]  While it took a very long time [and with a few bumps along the way] I discovered the thing that was missing from my life. This thing was what had held me back, it had a hold on me and I didn't even realize it.  This thing was not only self-destructive but it was dangerous.  Looking back I can't imagine life that way! This thing was a lack of something, and it wasn't until I crossed the stage to accept my graduate degree diploma from Marywood University that I realized I had been missing something.  With all of the people that I love the most gathered to see me accept this degree, I heard my name called and there I was in a crowded arena, accepting a piece of paper that cost an ungodly amount of money, and numerous late nights and every Saturday for three years of my life away from my children.  I sat in this crowded arena, I listened to the people speak, I watched people cry with joy I looked into the arena I saw both my mother and father [not often that I see that], and I realized something, I realized that I was really amazing [I am totally not bragging here I will explain].

 I married at 18, I dropped out of college [3x's, oops], I had my oldest son at 18,  I worked a million horrible jobs, I married and divorced and I was a single mom at a young age, I attempted to provide for my oldest son who lived through all of this with me.  I realized at that moment that I beat the odds.  I did it!  I also fell madly and deeply in love with myself.  I had a crazy amount of admiration for myself, and I started to cry.  I walked onto the stage and took that piece of paper, but it was so much more than just a piece of paper.  It was an acceptance of love for myself.  It was the thing.  The thing I never knew I had inside myself.  The thing that held me back because it wasn't there.  I discovered true love. 

It has given me the courage to accept true love in others and give back true love to all of those important people in my life. Being resilient, strong and courageous, accepting, nurturing, and truly loving who I am as a person is the greatest gift I received that day. Discovering true love for myself has given me the courage to accomplish many things I never saw possible. I ran my first ½ marathon that same month and when I held my best friends hand and crossed the finish line with tears in my eyes it symbolized a crossroads in my life.  I completed two things that I never EVER thought were possible.

So in this season of love, I am asking that you look at yourself.  Decide who YOU want to be.  Decide how YOU want to live.  Decide how YOU will gain that admiration and joy for yourself.  Look to yourself for wholeness and completeness.  Look to yourself to give you the compliments you deserve.  Take care of yourself in order to take care of those you love.  Look back into your life and pull out your achievements [they are there even if they are small--they are there], and think how you obtained them, it will give you the best gift you can receive! 

Love, it sure is a crazy thing!  And sometimes it can be the THING that drives you to accomplish or fail, make you do crazy things or wonderfully crazy things.  It is the thing that we can't live without! It is the thing that as parents we give unconditionally and receive unconditionally from our children.  It is the thing that we look for each day in our partners.  It is the thing that some of us never take the time to give to ourselves.  Give it to others, openly accept it from others, but don't forget to give it and accept it from yourself. 

 

Out with the Old!

Yeah for me! Yesterday I received a beautiful new Dooney for Valentines Day.  I LOVE IT! He did a wonderful job picking it out.  I love purses and my favorite brand is Dooney and Bourke.  They hold up over wear and tear like nothing else and they really last forever. The styles change but they are classic and really don't look outdated. [to me anyway]

With a new purse or a change in purse comes the worst part of receiving a beautiful gift like this.  [no it's not the expected big THANK YOU...Girls you know what I mean.  And it's not the dreaded overly excited "WOW --I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS GIFT" thank you. OR the Fake "THANK YOU I LOVE IT" because I really do love it and I am thankful! And Surprised].  It is cleaning out the old purse and switching the items.

I am horrible at organizing my things.  Maybe because I have to organize so much for work, maybe because I have self-diagnosed ADHD and I can't stand the tediousness of sitting and viewing the items and I end up throwing away everything [even makeup sometimes just to save myself the loathsome task of going through it].  FITTOBETIED is an understatement when I am going through my things and trying to organize.  So, to put a healthy and happy outlook on this process I began to think about the positives. 

Positives of being organized in my purse:  Here it is --no more shuffling around.  No more digging.  No more dirty tissues.  No more gum wrappers.  No more gum wrappers filled with chewed gum from my 8 year old.  Gone are 6 ink pens, 3 that did not work, down to 1 that does work.  No more loose change.  Gone is the empty motrine bottle that I have had for about 3 years and has followed me around in each purse since.  Gone is the overstuffed wallet that had way too many business cards and expired health insurance cards and receipts.  Gone is the empty check book that I had for months.  Gone is the overstuffed makeup bag filled with old shades of lip gloss that I would never be caught dead wearing [hopefully they wouldn't put an out dated shade on me when I couldn't stop them from doing so, I hope my BFF and fashion guru Shannon would prevent that if I died].  And GONE is the CLUTTER!!! Oh WHAT A FEELING!!! FREEDOM! FREE AT LAST!

Cleaning out the junk, moving forward with a clean slate.  What a great concept, isn't it?  What if it were that easy with everything?  I mean how great would it be to write down or say some of the junk in our minds and get rid of it.  Guess what [this is a little secret] it is.  It is that easy.  I have done this myself and it works.  The hard part is finding the motivation to do it, and shifting through the right junk to throw away. 

I guess my point here is that I have looked in my previous purse a thousand times and thought about how I need to clean it.  I have even set time aside to do it and didn't.  It wasn't until this new beauty came along that I didn't even take a minute to think about switching and cleaning.  MOTIVATION...Find what motivates you and use it.  Use it to clean out your junk, take those first few minutes to exercise, clean your house, give your dog a bath [sorry I was making a to do list. oops. back to general terms...] I guess you see my point [I hope you do anyway].  We all have it in us we just need to figure it out and how to use it. 

So off I go into the world today, free of clutter, new purse in hand [proud as a peacock too]. And what a feeling...you should try it!